our next president

lance bass is gay

anyone watch dancing with the stars?

i do...i wish i knew ballroom dancing. 

one of my high school friends had a huge 18th birthday party and she had chosen a few people to perform a group dance to two different routines. i was one of the people chosen and i got to learn a waltz and merengue routine.

anyway, the point of this entry is that my mom and i are avid watchers of the show. 

well, in the begining of this season, lance bass and his dance partner performed to katy perry's I Kissed A Girl. they ended the dance with lance giving his dance partner a big kiss on the lips. it was a surprise ending to the routine to which my mom asked, "isn't he married??"

LOL...umm...i'm not sure where my mom got this idea but i just replied with, "uh, no."

i was going to say "he's gay" but for some reason i couldn't. i'm not sure why...i guess part of it is because "he's gay" is so close to "i'm gay" and just saying "gay" is hard for me to do with my parents. another part of it is fearing her reaction if it was negative.

however, i think it would have been a great oppurtunity to see how she reacted to finding out someone who she thought was straight (and married) was actually gay.

update

so i guess you could say i've been on a hiatus from my blog. it wasn't intentional...i have just been busy busy busy and didn't have much time. i'm sure i've lost most of the very few readers that i had, but i'll still continue to write because i like having this "journal" to look back on.

so what are the significant updates in my life? here we go...

the week of august 11th, i took a 5 day trip to visit my friends from college 1 (where i first went to school before transferrring to where i am now). i hadn't seen them in two years! during the trip i wasn't really sure if i'd come out to anyone or not. well, to keep this entry short...i ended up coming out to one of them. he was actually becoming one of my best friends while i was there and he was gay himself.
it was my third day of being there that i came out to him. most of the time i was there, i was always with two or more of my friends at a time. on the fourth day, everybody else was busy in the morning except for him so the two of us went to the movies.
sitting in the theater 45 early, we began to chat. the conversation turned to relationships and he asked if i was seeing anybody. i told him i was single and in my head i thought this would be a good time to tell him about me.

"well, actually......there's something that i've been wanting to let you know about me...you might have already known or thought so, but...i'm gay."
"really? ...i thought you might be, but i wasn't too sure."
then he asked how long i knew and who else knew. i told him how i've always known on some level and those that i'm out to.
he told me he was happy that i could tell him. the whole thing went really well and was really relaxed. it wasn't a big deal at all!

the next big update happened thursday night of august 21st. lisa and i were supposed to go visit lucy (who is going to college about 1.5 to 2 hours away from us.) well, lisa couldn't go so it was just me. the plan was just to hang out with lucy and rick (her roommate who's also gay). we were gonna go out to a club that night, but instead we decided to just stay home and have a few drinks. it doesn't take much to get me tipsy and let's say we were all a little beyond tipsy..lol. well, lucy ended up falling asleep on the couch and rick went outside to smoke. i followed him outside to keep him company since i don't smoke myself. he was sitting on a chair on the outside porch and he was trying to show me something on the bricks. since i was sitting across from him i got up and moved to where he was to get a better look. because i had quite a bit to drink, i wasn't quite sure what i was looking for. i just remember giggling because i couldn't find it. (when i've been drinking i giggle a LOT)

well, i threw my head back because apparently i thought this was hilarious and i kinda stumble on his lap. oops...haha. well, needless to say, i sat there for a moment or two and the next thing i know we're making out! after a few minutes we went back inside because mosquitoes starting biting him. when we walked in, lucy had already left the couch and went to her room to sleep. the two of us went to his room and well....let's say things started heating up again.

the next day rick had to go to work and lucy and i slept in and later went to lunch. when we went back to her place, i went to wash my hands i couldn't help but notice i had a small hickey on my neck. she never brought it up so i wasn't sure if she noticed it or not. well, i packed up my stuff and drove back home.
later that night i got a text message: did rick have anyone over last night?
i replied: no, why?
she answered: then who attacked his neck??
oops! haha, apparently i wasn't the only one with a hickey.  she told me his hickeys were more visible than mine had been.
she said she knew it was me because she saw mine, but didn't know if she knew what she was seeing...and when she saw his neck, she knew for sure. 

...

oh blog, how i've missed you so!

it's been a while...

i first want to give a big thanks to the people who left encouraging comments to my last post!

sorry i haven't updated in a while. :(

not much has really happened since my last post. i said i would say how the trip after i came out went so here it goes (it's not much):
later that night lisa took me outside and we just chatted for a bit. basically she told me the same thing from inside.
she told me how she knows it's hard and that it sucks how society isn't fully accepting, but the times have changed where it is at least more accepting than it used to be.
she even confided in me with some very serious issues she's dealt with.

however, the next morning, things seemed somewhat back to normal. nobody every really mentioned my "coming out."
i suppose that it's a good thing as if it were to say "nothing's changed among us" and that i'm still the same person.
that was nice and all, but i would have like to talk about it more and stuff, but i guess it was my fault since i should have been the one to bring it up. they were probably waiting for my cue to let them know it was okay to talk about.

okay, so fast foward to a few weeks later.
lucy's roommate was there, but was doing homework the whole time in his room. let's call her roommate rick. he is gay.
so i was on facebook when he IMs me and admits he's been drinking and says he didn't want to bring it up, but he was curious as to why everyone was emotional and why i was crying that night.
he then says that he has his suspicions and that it's okay.
i had figured lucy told him everything when i left, but she hadn't. this made me how trusting our relationship is.
since i figured he already knew what was going on, he would have to know eventually since i'll be visiting lucy every now and then.
so i typed, "you're right. rick...i'm gay."
he replied, "you actually said it! i'm so proud of you."
that made me feel good. i asked him if he ever suspected that i was gay.
he claims that he knew all along, lol. i may be true though because he said he kept asking lucy if i was gay.
i asked, "what did she say??"
"she said she really didn't think so and that you would have come out to her already."
after he typed that, i realized how long ago i wished i had told her. but it's okay because she knows now.

big big news!

where do i begin??

okay, so today i just got back from visiting lucy (who lives about two hours away).
lisa and i went to visit her since she hasn't been down to visit us in a while.
we left on a wednesday afternoon.
lucy and lisa were the people i've been wanting to come out to for such a long time.
it did cross my mind that i might come out some time during this three day trip.

when we arrived on wednesday, we all went out to eat. we had such a good time. in my head, i kept thinking if i should come out to them during this trip or not. when we got back to lucy's place, we all were sitting around the tv watching a movie. while the movie was playing, i think i kinda talked myself out of coming out during this trip. i figured i should stop worrying about something that wasn't going to happen...or so i thought.

well, the next day we were all supposed to go out to a bar or club and drink. however, lisa was short on cash and suggested we go to a liquor store and buy some alcohol and just take it back to lucy's place and play drinking games and whatnot.

sidenote: i'm not much of a drinker. usually i drink socially when i'm around friends or at a restaurant. the few times that i do drink, the alcohol hits me really, really fast. i'm such a lightweight...hahaha! but yeah, i'm usually a really giggly drunk.

after buying the alcohol, we head back to lucy's place. we begin the night with a toast of cheap champagne. two margaritas later, i'm really feeling the alcohol hit me. instead of playing games, we're drinking and watching tv and talking.
lisa made another drink and we all did a few shots. so by this time, as you can imagine, i hardly remember what was happening. although, i vaguely remember that the conversation turned to girls. it's because by this time lisa was on the internet showing us what kind of girls she thinks are hot.
(in case you didn't know/forgot, lisa is bi)
so she shows me the girl on the laptop screen for my opinion. i'm not sure if i said anything or just agreed. then they started asking me my type of girl. this is all really foggy in my memory, but i think they were asking if i like big boobs or small boobs, a big butt or small butt.
the next thing i know is that i just start crying! i didn't even realize it at first. i actually think i startled the both of them because it may have seemed like the tears came out of nowhere.
they came next to me and asked what's wrong. i think i denied anything was wrong, but obviously that wasn't going to fool them. i was in tears afterall!

the next thing i remeber is asking if we can all go to lucy's bedroom so we can talk. they helped me up and to her room. we were all on the bed. i couldn't stop crying and they continued asking me what's wrong. i figured this was going to be the time.
there was no turning back now. i had to tell them.
i started trying to talk, but i just could not do it!!!
finally, i managed to talk and say, "there's something that i've been wanting to tell you for such a long time, but i never could."
then i started crying some more.
while sobbing, i said, "i just can't do it. i think y'all know what i'm trying to say. will you just ask me?"
i heard lucy's voice, "you don't want to say it? you want me to ask you?"
i nodded with my face pressed against the pillow as i continued to cry.
she resumed, "okay...[mr. x] are you gay?"
i nodded again with my face still in the pillow.

their reaction was so great.
i'm not sure who said what, but some of the things they said were:
"you're still the same person you always were."
"we love you so much."
"you're still our friend and nothing's going to change that."
"you have nothing to worry about."
then i remember telling them how much i love them and giving them soo many hugs.
lisa grabbed my hand and started asking me if i felt so much better. she said she knows exactly how it feels.
she started telling me how she remembers being so scared the first time she admitted it to herself and then to the first person she told. it was so good having her there since she could really relate to what i was feeling.
i told them how i had always wanted to tell my family first and then my friends, but i don't think i could do it.
it was then that lisa told me, "it's so much harder to tell the people that you really care about."
that is so true, but so weird. of course i knew lisa and lucy would be so supportive, but it was just so hard to bring it up.

so that's my big news! i'm slowly opening that closet door!




well, later i'll post more of how the trip went after i came out.

music

after wanting it for such a long time, i finally bought mika's CD- life in cartoon motion.
it's just a fun CD.
i've been listening to it all day today.