*speechless!!*

gosh, do i have BIG news!

i know what you're thinking....and no, i did not come out.

...but someone i know did, but not to me.


this morning i had three missed calls and one text.
they were from last night. i didn't hear them because my phone was on silent.
each call and text was from lisa's boyfriend. he didn't leave a voicemail, but his text said,
"[mr.x] call me when you can. i need to talk about some personal stuff. it's really important!"

this morning, i texted him back and told him to call me whenever he wanted.
a few minutes later he called me.

his voice was soft and emotional.

"hey, [mr. x]. um...how are you?"

"i'm fine, but how are you? what's wrong?"

"*big sigh* uh...it's lisa. her and i are having trouble in our relationship. i think this is the begining of the end of our relationship."

"why is that?"

"well...i trust you and you're a really good friend, so don't tell her i told you, but she came out as bi to me yesterday."

i was completely speechless!! one of my good friends who i have been wanting to tell that *i* was gay was going through the same struggle with herself!

he continued, "i just don't know what to do. she says she is wanting her space. i'm sure she's going to want to experiment with other girls. it hurts. we've been together for over a year and she is the first girl that i've ever fallen in love...like true love...like, i could see us being married."

it's true. this is the most serious i've seen him with a girl. he's had girlfriends before, but this relationship is the one that i've seen him actually fall in love.
i really wish i had more to tell him, but i was in shock!
everything she was telling him, i had experienced myself.
he said that she was crying so much and telling him that she had denied her feelings even though she knew since middle school.

i told him to give her some time because this is such a big event in her life. she's scared and confused.

i'm actually still in some shock as i write this only because i just got off the phone and haven't had a lot of time to really think about it.
i wonder what will happen. i really wish i could let her i know and let her know that i'm gay too.
or maybe i'll wait until she comes out to me--if she comes out to me.
would it be selfish to tell her i'm gay right after she tells me she's gay?
i guess it wouldn't because we could talk about both of our situations/experiences.

hmmm....

distractions?

i've mentioned that i work a part time job, but never where i work.
i'm still not going to say where i work, but i'll say what i do.
i'm a cashier.

being a cashier, you get to meet so many kinds of people.

well, one day this older guy comes to my register.

i tell him hello and ask how he's doing.
he says he's doing great.

then he asks, "there's a lot of pretty girls that come in, huh?"

i look at him and kind of smile and nod.

he smiles back and says, "you must get distracted, right? i mean, if i worked didn't work in an office, i'd have so many distractions looking at all the girls."

"i wouldn't know...i'm too busy looking at the guys," is what i wanted to say, hahahaha.
instead, i just smiled like i know what he's talking about and give a little shrug.
he goes on to say, "all i do is work in an office, i don't get to see much there. it's all the same people."

he was actually really nice and had great energy and a contagious smile. it turned out he was recently divorced and is a bachelor again. you could surely tell he was enjoying his "bachelorhood" and checking out all the ladies.

he seemed like a fun guy, it's just that he made me uncomfortable without knowing it.

i'm curious what i would have done if i was out though.
would i have done the same thing or would i actually have let him know i wasn't attracted to the girls?

part of me thinks, i wouldn't have said anything only because i didn't know him and he doesn't need to know my personal life.
hahaha.
i'm curious as to what any of you would have done in my place.
or for those that are out, have you had an experience like this
and if so, what did you do?

playboy

it was a long day at work. i was so tired so as soon as i got home, i went to my room.
there on my bed was the mail my mom set down for me.
i saw two things, but was not sure what they were.
i picked them up.
the first one was a bank statement.
when i saw the next one, i didn't know what to do!
it was a postcard type letter from playboy! HA!



uhh...

i was standing there holding this lettter with this skimpy-dressed girl on it.
it had my full name on it and it was a letter letting me know i could get a discount or some sort of special for getting a yearly subscription. ....what?!
where did they get my info from?!?!

okay, so i'll admit that i've had a couple of playboy magazines before, but they were given to me from a friend.
and let's just say i didn't use it the way he would have...if you know what i mean.
let's just say, it was much more of a reading material than a "picture" magazine, hahaha.

so, obviously, i'm not requesting for this stuff. i've never gotten a playboy advertisement before and i just found it pretty hilarious that i got one and my mom saw it and set it in my room.

but that's not it...

so a few minutes later, i go to the kitchen for some water and my mom asks,
"did you get your mail?"
"yeah."
then she jokingly says, "there was something there for you." (obviously talking about the playboy thing)
she goes on to say, "how did they get your name?"
to which i reply, "uh...i actually have no idea, i haven't submitted my name to anything..."

hahaha...man, if my mom had any inclination that i was gay, i'm sure this threw her for a loop and confused her.
this isn't what i would have wanted either.
part of me hopes that on some level she knows i'm gay so it won't be such a big shock when i do come out (whenever that may be, lol).

the closet

i was standing next to my mom as i was talking to her.
she was sitting down at her desk about to check her email on her laptop.
as the aol welcome page loaded, i ended my conversation and was looking at the aol "headlines."
she was reading them as they kept changing.
then i heard her say,
"are you afraid of the closet?"

...

i think i froze for a really long second!
only to be completely relieved when i heard,
"ways to organize it and keep things in their place."

whew!

of course, being the paranoid person that i am, i immediately thought it was going to be an article or something to do with
homosexuality and being in the "closet."
talk about potential akwardness!

hahahaha.

relationships

i'm not the kind of guy who wants to "hook up" with a guy.
i don't want to have a guy around only for the sex.
just because i'm gay, doesn't mean
all i want is a guy to have sex with.

what i want is a relationship.

i want to be happy.
i want to be with someone that i enjoy being around-
someone who makes me feel special, someone who makes me smile,
someone who makes me laugh.

i want somebody who i can be myself around-my sillyness, corniness,
randomness, and all.
i want someone to curl up next to and watch movies with late at night,
someone to hug and kiss every time i see him, someone to think about all the time.
does he exist?
where do i find him?

ha...i'm such a hopeless romantic.

2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR!