it's been a while...

i first want to give a big thanks to the people who left encouraging comments to my last post!

sorry i haven't updated in a while. :(

not much has really happened since my last post. i said i would say how the trip after i came out went so here it goes (it's not much):
later that night lisa took me outside and we just chatted for a bit. basically she told me the same thing from inside.
she told me how she knows it's hard and that it sucks how society isn't fully accepting, but the times have changed where it is at least more accepting than it used to be.
she even confided in me with some very serious issues she's dealt with.

however, the next morning, things seemed somewhat back to normal. nobody every really mentioned my "coming out."
i suppose that it's a good thing as if it were to say "nothing's changed among us" and that i'm still the same person.
that was nice and all, but i would have like to talk about it more and stuff, but i guess it was my fault since i should have been the one to bring it up. they were probably waiting for my cue to let them know it was okay to talk about.

okay, so fast foward to a few weeks later.
lucy's roommate was there, but was doing homework the whole time in his room. let's call her roommate rick. he is gay.
so i was on facebook when he IMs me and admits he's been drinking and says he didn't want to bring it up, but he was curious as to why everyone was emotional and why i was crying that night.
he then says that he has his suspicions and that it's okay.
i had figured lucy told him everything when i left, but she hadn't. this made me how trusting our relationship is.
since i figured he already knew what was going on, he would have to know eventually since i'll be visiting lucy every now and then.
so i typed, "you're right. rick...i'm gay."
he replied, "you actually said it! i'm so proud of you."
that made me feel good. i asked him if he ever suspected that i was gay.
he claims that he knew all along, lol. i may be true though because he said he kept asking lucy if i was gay.
i asked, "what did she say??"
"she said she really didn't think so and that you would have come out to her already."
after he typed that, i realized how long ago i wished i had told her. but it's okay because she knows now.

big big news!

where do i begin??

okay, so today i just got back from visiting lucy (who lives about two hours away).
lisa and i went to visit her since she hasn't been down to visit us in a while.
we left on a wednesday afternoon.
lucy and lisa were the people i've been wanting to come out to for such a long time.
it did cross my mind that i might come out some time during this three day trip.

when we arrived on wednesday, we all went out to eat. we had such a good time. in my head, i kept thinking if i should come out to them during this trip or not. when we got back to lucy's place, we all were sitting around the tv watching a movie. while the movie was playing, i think i kinda talked myself out of coming out during this trip. i figured i should stop worrying about something that wasn't going to happen...or so i thought.

well, the next day we were all supposed to go out to a bar or club and drink. however, lisa was short on cash and suggested we go to a liquor store and buy some alcohol and just take it back to lucy's place and play drinking games and whatnot.

sidenote: i'm not much of a drinker. usually i drink socially when i'm around friends or at a restaurant. the few times that i do drink, the alcohol hits me really, really fast. i'm such a lightweight...hahaha! but yeah, i'm usually a really giggly drunk.

after buying the alcohol, we head back to lucy's place. we begin the night with a toast of cheap champagne. two margaritas later, i'm really feeling the alcohol hit me. instead of playing games, we're drinking and watching tv and talking.
lisa made another drink and we all did a few shots. so by this time, as you can imagine, i hardly remember what was happening. although, i vaguely remember that the conversation turned to girls. it's because by this time lisa was on the internet showing us what kind of girls she thinks are hot.
(in case you didn't know/forgot, lisa is bi)
so she shows me the girl on the laptop screen for my opinion. i'm not sure if i said anything or just agreed. then they started asking me my type of girl. this is all really foggy in my memory, but i think they were asking if i like big boobs or small boobs, a big butt or small butt.
the next thing i know is that i just start crying! i didn't even realize it at first. i actually think i startled the both of them because it may have seemed like the tears came out of nowhere.
they came next to me and asked what's wrong. i think i denied anything was wrong, but obviously that wasn't going to fool them. i was in tears afterall!

the next thing i remeber is asking if we can all go to lucy's bedroom so we can talk. they helped me up and to her room. we were all on the bed. i couldn't stop crying and they continued asking me what's wrong. i figured this was going to be the time.
there was no turning back now. i had to tell them.
i started trying to talk, but i just could not do it!!!
finally, i managed to talk and say, "there's something that i've been wanting to tell you for such a long time, but i never could."
then i started crying some more.
while sobbing, i said, "i just can't do it. i think y'all know what i'm trying to say. will you just ask me?"
i heard lucy's voice, "you don't want to say it? you want me to ask you?"
i nodded with my face pressed against the pillow as i continued to cry.
she resumed, "okay...[mr. x] are you gay?"
i nodded again with my face still in the pillow.

their reaction was so great.
i'm not sure who said what, but some of the things they said were:
"you're still the same person you always were."
"we love you so much."
"you're still our friend and nothing's going to change that."
"you have nothing to worry about."
then i remember telling them how much i love them and giving them soo many hugs.
lisa grabbed my hand and started asking me if i felt so much better. she said she knows exactly how it feels.
she started telling me how she remembers being so scared the first time she admitted it to herself and then to the first person she told. it was so good having her there since she could really relate to what i was feeling.
i told them how i had always wanted to tell my family first and then my friends, but i don't think i could do it.
it was then that lisa told me, "it's so much harder to tell the people that you really care about."
that is so true, but so weird. of course i knew lisa and lucy would be so supportive, but it was just so hard to bring it up.

so that's my big news! i'm slowly opening that closet door!




well, later i'll post more of how the trip went after i came out.

music

after wanting it for such a long time, i finally bought mika's CD- life in cartoon motion.
it's just a fun CD.
i've been listening to it all day today.

hermit

lately i've been feeling like a hermit crab. :(

boring...

sorry for the lack of updates lately.

nothing exciting has been going on. i'm taking summer school and still working.
i was hoping for some eye candy in my summer school class, but it's like 80% girls.
there's about 30 people in the class and i think there's only like 6 guys.
oh well.

touched

yesterday i booked an appointment to get my haircut.
i checked in and sat down.

at the place i go to, they have assistants that call your name and take you to the back to wash your hair. when they finish, they take you to the haircutter.

well, as i was waiting on the chair, i hear my named being called. it's being called from a guy.
every time i go, there have only been female assistants.
i get up and he shakes my hand and says hi and asks me to follow him. immediately, i can tell he is gay.
when we get to the sink, he asks me how i am. i make eye contact and tell him i'm doing alright.
i'm not sure, but he may have picked up a few vibes from me. he says, that's good and i smile.
he tells me to have a seat and he lowers my head into the sink.
at this point i didn't know if i should make conversation or not, but being the chicken i am i sat quietly as he turned on the water.
i didn't know what to do, so i just closed my eyes.

he wet my hair and then started lathering the shampoo. this was normal, but then he started massaging my head.
they've never done this before. it's always a quick shampoo (sometimes conditioner) then it's over.
but this guy started massaging around my temples and then lifted my head and was massaging my lower neck.
it felt soooo good!
then he rinsed my hair of all the shampoo and i thought that was going to be it since they don't always add conditioner. (weird, i know)
but then i hear him pumping conditioner out of a bottle and he puts it in my hair and really massages it in there again. he was rubbing my neck again and it just felt really good.
it just felt so good to be touched by a man.
i know it's pretty sad, but that's the most intimate i've been with a guy, LOL!

he rinsed it all out and towel dried my hair and told me to sit up and follow him so he could take me to the haircutter. he sat me down in the chair and i told him thank you.
he said "no problem" and then he left to go wash somebody else's hair.

shocked cont...

[continued from last entry...]


he felt bad and said, "i'm sorry. we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to! pretend i didn't say anything!"
i told him, "actually, no, i'm glad you brought this up. i've been wanting to talk to someone about it, but i just couldn't...i didn't know how."
at this point i had realized that i had just come out for the very first time.

he asked what i wanted to talk about. still stunned, i asked him about his coming out to his parents and how that went.
he told me that he isn't really that close to his family so he never told his dad.
but he told his mom when he was upset because he like this guy who went to our school.
he's been out since high school, which he said was rough at times.

as he was talking, he went off on a tangent and caught himself.
he asked if i wanted to go sit outside since we were finished with our meal and we could talk some more.
we did.

the two of us sat on a bench and he asked me, "so, do you think you are bi or gay?"
i replied by saying, "gay."

i have yet to say "i'm gay" which i think are going to be two of the hardest words to say to someone.

then we started talking about who we thought was hot or cute during high school.
i have to admit, that was a lot of fun!
for the first time in twenty-two years i was actually able to talk about guys!

we sat talking for a couple of hours. it was great. i told him to let me know when he goes out to a gay club/bar and maybe i'll go along too. i hope i'll be able to make more gay friends.

honestly, i'm still in shocked that i've come out to him. i seriously didn't think i would be coming out to anyone for several months from now. the only thing that is disappointing is that i haven't talked to him since that night.
i've just now realized it's been a week since i've come out to him. it was last thursday night. it's my one week-aversary! lol.
like i've mentioned before, we were never really close, close friends, but hopefully that will change and we'll start talking a lot more.

the next person i hope to tell is lisa.
i don't know when or how that is going to happen. i hope it's sometime soon.
i'm ready to stop "hiding" from my friends and family.