touched

yesterday i booked an appointment to get my haircut.
i checked in and sat down.

at the place i go to, they have assistants that call your name and take you to the back to wash your hair. when they finish, they take you to the haircutter.

well, as i was waiting on the chair, i hear my named being called. it's being called from a guy.
every time i go, there have only been female assistants.
i get up and he shakes my hand and says hi and asks me to follow him. immediately, i can tell he is gay.
when we get to the sink, he asks me how i am. i make eye contact and tell him i'm doing alright.
i'm not sure, but he may have picked up a few vibes from me. he says, that's good and i smile.
he tells me to have a seat and he lowers my head into the sink.
at this point i didn't know if i should make conversation or not, but being the chicken i am i sat quietly as he turned on the water.
i didn't know what to do, so i just closed my eyes.

he wet my hair and then started lathering the shampoo. this was normal, but then he started massaging my head.
they've never done this before. it's always a quick shampoo (sometimes conditioner) then it's over.
but this guy started massaging around my temples and then lifted my head and was massaging my lower neck.
it felt soooo good!
then he rinsed my hair of all the shampoo and i thought that was going to be it since they don't always add conditioner. (weird, i know)
but then i hear him pumping conditioner out of a bottle and he puts it in my hair and really massages it in there again. he was rubbing my neck again and it just felt really good.
it just felt so good to be touched by a man.
i know it's pretty sad, but that's the most intimate i've been with a guy, LOL!

he rinsed it all out and towel dried my hair and told me to sit up and follow him so he could take me to the haircutter. he sat me down in the chair and i told him thank you.
he said "no problem" and then he left to go wash somebody else's hair.

shocked cont...

[continued from last entry...]


he felt bad and said, "i'm sorry. we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to! pretend i didn't say anything!"
i told him, "actually, no, i'm glad you brought this up. i've been wanting to talk to someone about it, but i just couldn't...i didn't know how."
at this point i had realized that i had just come out for the very first time.

he asked what i wanted to talk about. still stunned, i asked him about his coming out to his parents and how that went.
he told me that he isn't really that close to his family so he never told his dad.
but he told his mom when he was upset because he like this guy who went to our school.
he's been out since high school, which he said was rough at times.

as he was talking, he went off on a tangent and caught himself.
he asked if i wanted to go sit outside since we were finished with our meal and we could talk some more.
we did.

the two of us sat on a bench and he asked me, "so, do you think you are bi or gay?"
i replied by saying, "gay."

i have yet to say "i'm gay" which i think are going to be two of the hardest words to say to someone.

then we started talking about who we thought was hot or cute during high school.
i have to admit, that was a lot of fun!
for the first time in twenty-two years i was actually able to talk about guys!

we sat talking for a couple of hours. it was great. i told him to let me know when he goes out to a gay club/bar and maybe i'll go along too. i hope i'll be able to make more gay friends.

honestly, i'm still in shocked that i've come out to him. i seriously didn't think i would be coming out to anyone for several months from now. the only thing that is disappointing is that i haven't talked to him since that night.
i've just now realized it's been a week since i've come out to him. it was last thursday night. it's my one week-aversary! lol.
like i've mentioned before, we were never really close, close friends, but hopefully that will change and we'll start talking a lot more.

the next person i hope to tell is lisa.
i don't know when or how that is going to happen. i hope it's sometime soon.
i'm ready to stop "hiding" from my friends and family.

shocked!

okay, so this post has been WAY over due. i really wanted to update this the night it happened, but i didn't have the time.
so here it goes:

it was lucy's 21st birthday last thursday so i was going to go visit.
i wanted stay the night since she was going to have a party and then i would just come back home friday. she lives a few hours away. i was hoping lisa could go with me, but she couldn't.
it turns out a bunch of people i know were NOT able to go.
it was going to be all her "new" college friends that i've only met a few times. i didn't want to feel uncomfortable since i wasn't going to know anybody except her.
i told her that i would just go down there friday for lunch and drinks and it would be on me.
i also told her that we could go out and celebrate with all our "old" friends next time she comes home.

since i was only going down there for lunch, i wanted to see if anyone wanted to come with me. lisa couldn't, so i called up gabe.
i hadn't talked to him since our last trip to lucy's. he said he couldn't go either because he had to work.
before ending the conversation, i told him that we should hang out some time since it's been a while. then he was like, "well, i'm not busy tonight. you want to go to dinner? "
"sure!"
then he told me to call lisa and see if she could go and he would call another friend of ours.
so i figured it would be the four of us.

i called lisa and she couldn't go. she had a major paper due the next day. gabe called me back and said our other friend never answered. so it was just going to be the two of us.

we met each other at the restaurant and he said one of his friends from work was going to meet us.
i thought if it was the two of us, i might consider coming out. (the key word being "consider.") lol.
however, since his friend showed up, i completely took that thought out of my mind. his friend was nice. she just ate an appetizer since she was waiting on her boyfriend to call her for dinner later.

well, the boyfriend called her and she had to leave while gabe and i were finishing up our meal. she said bye and left.
it was just gabe and i sitting across from each other. coming out was probably one of the last things on my mind until he brought up relationships.
relationships! that's one of the things i try to avoid in conversations.
he was talking about our friends' relationships and stuff, then he asks, "so what about you?"
i was like, "well, i've been pretty busy with work and school and haven't really been looking for one."
then he says, "hmmmm....so mr.x, do we need to find you a girlfriend?"
i chuckle and then he proceeds with, "....or a..boyfriend?"

i can't describe how i felt. i looked at him and kind of smiled and my body felt all tingly and i tried to say something, but didn't know what to say! i got all choked up and nearly cried, but didn't.


[to be continued...]

OUT?

oh... my... gosh!!!

i just got home and i need to wake up super early tomorrow.
i'll write a blog entry hopefully soon when i have more time!

argh...

this whole "being in the closet" thing is becoming really depressing,
especially when i see people younger than me in relationships.
i wish i had a boyfriend.
*sigh*