ken lee

i found this featured on perez hilton's website and it cracks me up everytime i watch it.
seriously.

this is from bulgaria's show 'music idol.'
the contestant is singing mariah carey's song "without you."

thanks guys!

thanks so much for all the great bday comments! each one meant a lot to me.
y'all also gave me a lot of great advice.
it's times like these when i'm glad i have this blog and am able to get such positive feedback.

so last weekend i went to lucy's because she was having a party.
it was really small. just a few of her friends. lisa couldn't go because she was visiting her bf.
instead of carpooling with lisa, i carpooled with another friend of ours.
let's call him gabe.

gabe is openly gay. he's been a friend of mine since high school, but since high school, we never really hung out much.
when we would, it was always on occasion and would always be with a group of my friends.
this was the first time it was just him and i alone.

lucy's place is about 2 hours away. so we just chatted about a bunch of random things.
it was actually kind of nice because i felt like i was actually comfortable being around him and didn't have to worry about being "gay."
he said he didn't get to watch the first half of the season finale of project runway and i told him i really like that show and that i got to see it.
we talked about who we thought would win and who we liked and didn't like.
(yeah, i watch it! my favorites throughout were christian and jillian, although, i'll admit i didn't care for christian too much in the begining. he grew on me.)
normally, i wouldn't talk about PR that because i don't think that many straight guys actually watch it unless it's for the "hot" model girls. lol.
anyways, in a way, i was hoping he would start getting a sense that maybe i might actually be gay, but i still had my guard up.

he had a bunch of mixed CDs to listen to. i was ejecting one of them and pushing the 'load' button.
then i said, "okay, go ahead, stick it in."
he laughed and said something like, "haha, you're dirty."
i laughed and just shrugged my shoulders.

we're both mutual friends with lisa and started talking about her "bi phase." he said that a lot of his friends seemed to be gay.
him: "it's not a bad thing, but it seems like now a lot of my friends are coming out. sometimes i wonder, who else is gay??"
when he said this, my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute.
was this a genuine question out of curiousity?
was this directed at me?
does he think i'm gay?
should i tell him?
am i really about to come out?
ahh!
uhh...
what do i say?
so after a few moments, which really seemed like minutes, i just replied,
"mmmm, i dunno."
then i think i asked who was singing the particular song on his CD to change the subject, lol.
i think i was being paranoid, and maybe he was really just curious and asking the question rhetorically.


cut to us arriving at lucy's.
nothing out of the ordinary. said hi. hung out. went to dinner.
this was friday.

saturday:
this was the night of the party.
we got up. went to lunch. went back to lucy's.
gabe suggested we all go to the mall, but lucy said she had to clean up a bit and said him and i should go.
so we did.
it was interesting i guess because this was the closest thing to me being out, in a way.
gabe is pretty flamboyant and wears girl's oversized sunglasses and carries a 'murse.' lol.
so it was just him and i walking through the mall together and i couldn't help but think the whole time,
"are people looking at us differently? do they think we could be a couple? do people think i'm gay?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...call me paranoid.

anyways, we went into a store and he wanted to try something on. so he starts heading to the fitting room, stops, turns around, and asks me to hold his man bag.
so there i am in the gap looking at clothes holding a man bag. lol!
i was just thinking, this is so not me!
when i do come out, i won't be a murse kind of guy. i wasn't sure how i should carry it. i didn't know if i should "wear" it or just hold it.
i decided to just hold it.
i was there looking at clothes near the fitting rooms waiting on him. he comes out and asks, "how does this look?"
there was a female gap employee there looking at us and i started thinking, "hmm, i wonder if she thinks we are together."
lol.
yeah, it was an interesting experience, but not in a bad way.


so yeah, i never did come out the whole trip. honestly, i didn't think i would.
honestly, i don't know under what circumstances i will come out. i know people say come out when you are ready, but for some reason, i never feel ready! hahaha. i wish my family or good friends would just ask me. it's so much easier to say, "yes, i am."
i've made a personal goal to at least tell one person on national coming out day if i'm not out to anyone by then. i'm just not sure who it's going to be. i felt comfortable talking to gabe on the way back home. when i dropped him off, we told each other that we need to hang out more since we live so close to each other. i think i would feel comfortable eventually telling him only because he knows what it's like. he's probably experienced everything i'm feeling.

i don't see him as boyfriend material. he's really not my type. but i do see him as being a good gay friend where we might go out or something, which is what i really want.
i want some gay friends!
i just don't know how to find any, lol.
so maybe if we start hanging out more, i'll meet some? i dunno.
haha.
sorry this was so long.

happy birthday!

happy birthday to me!
:)

yup, it's my birthday today!
i've been telling myself that i want to come out around my birthday, but at the current moment i feel so far from coming out.

sometimes i have those days where i just want to yell and scream, "i'm gay!" and be done with it.
then there's days where i think i'll never come out and it makes me sad.
there is also all the feelings inbetween.
argh...only time will tell.

b-b-blog!

oh blog, how i've missed you so.

too bad, i have nothing interesting to talk about.

oh, actually, i guess i do.
it doesn't have to do with me, but it's about lisa and her boyfriend.
so since the last time i updated, i mentioned how they are back together.
well, her bf told me a few days ago that he is going to propose to her!
i hope everything goes okay. i wish them the best, we'll see how that goes.
he is supposedly asking her sometime next week and she has know idea.

in other news, my puppy now knows three tricks!
he can sit, lie down, and shake.
i'm so proud! :)
lol!

silence

lisa came over today to play with my new puppy.
we didn't do much talking at first. it was more of laughing and watching puppy play.
then i kind of brought up the situation about her and gina.
i asked how her weekend went.
her answers were short and vague.
"it was okay. there was drama."
she didn't elaborate. i didn't know if i should have asked more, but i didn't want to seem nosy.
then she mentioned how she was going to go see her bf.
me: "oh, so you and bf are back together?"
"..yeah."
[akward silence]
then she the subject got changed by laughing at puppy doing something funny.
it was pretty akward for me, so i'm sure it was akward for her.
it just didn't feel right to bring up anything else at that moment. *sigh*
i wanted to ask her if she still felt feelings to girls in general or if it was just gina in particular.

"break-up"

two weekends ago was lisa's birthday...her 21st birthday.
lol.
okay, a quick recap about lisa:
she's one of my best friends, she lives near me (she didn't move away for college),
and she came out to her boyfriend as bisexual-she didn't tell me and didn't know that her boyfriend told me.

okay, let's cut to her birthday night.
we went out to eat and things were obviously akward between her and her bf, but no one really knew why.
well, i knew because her bf told me more info.
she came out as bi, but she also said that she had a crush on her high school friend. this high school friend is gay and came out during high school. lisa told her bf that she had always had feelings towards her, but denied them.

this high school friend was there that night. lisa and bf decided to have a "break."
at the restaurant, nobody knew any of this. nobody knew she was bi curious or that her relationship was on a break.

well, after dinner, we go to a club. her bf rides with me. his excuse is that he is "giving me directions" to get there. she rides with other people.
well, in the car, he tell me that she knows i know. he told her he told me.

so we get to club, and of course, she becomes drunk-everyone's buying her drinks...she's 21! haha.
well, that's when the drama starts! man, oh man, talk about drama!

a group of us were sitting down talking over drinks when all of a suddden we see lisa dart towards the exit in tears.
lucy goes to see what's wrong.
i go look for her bf. he's silent, but in tears. he won't talk.
finally, he mangages to say, "i loved her. i loved her so much."
"what happened?"
"she's wants a relationship with 'high school crush' (let's call her gina). it's over."
he's obviously drunk making him that much more emotional.
"X, i was going to buy her a ring. she's the one i wanted to marry."
i put my arm around him and tried to comfort him, saying that they were both drunk. that they needed to talk the next morning when they were sober.

so by this time, everyone is wondering what is going on. about 45 mins later, lisa comes back in. i see her telling people in their ears (bc the music is so loud). i hear partial words from where i'm at. i hear her say "i'm a lesbian."
she never came and told me personally though. i felt kinda disappointed. i wish she would have told me herself. i know she didn't tell me because she figured i already knew since her "bf" already told me. but still, i wanted to hear it from her.

so that was the night she came out to her close friends. it was a pretty emotional-drama filled night.

cut to last weekend:
gina is going to school a few hours away. so lisa decided to go visit her for the weekend.
i found out through lucy that things didn't go too well btwn her and gina.
gina still lives with her ex-gf and they were kinda touchy feely still. this upset lisa big time.
as of now, lucy tells me that lisa since then, called up her ex bf and they did a lot of talking and now they are back together.
lucy tells me that she is confused and doesn't know if she is really happy being with her bf.

i feel so bad for her. i'm sure she is super confused. i want to talk to her about all of this, but she's never brought it up with me. i'm going to see her tmrw. she's actually coming to see my new puppy.
maybe i'll try to bring it up. i just want to tell her that she needs to do what she feels is right.
i have a feeling that she really is gay, but got back with her bf because she feels "safe" with him. i don't want his heart broken, but i want lisa to be happy.

if i bring it up tmrw,
i might even come out to her.
i want to come out to her because we now have so much in common-the confusion, the frustration, being scared, having been in denial for so long, etc.
*sigh*

busy

wow, it's been too long since my last post.
i have an entry that i have in mind for next time.

however, i've just been pretty busy now that the new school semester just started.
plus, i got a new puppy!
he's in his teething stage and man, oh man is he biting everything!