thanks guys!

thanks so much for all the great bday comments! each one meant a lot to me.
y'all also gave me a lot of great advice.
it's times like these when i'm glad i have this blog and am able to get such positive feedback.

so last weekend i went to lucy's because she was having a party.
it was really small. just a few of her friends. lisa couldn't go because she was visiting her bf.
instead of carpooling with lisa, i carpooled with another friend of ours.
let's call him gabe.

gabe is openly gay. he's been a friend of mine since high school, but since high school, we never really hung out much.
when we would, it was always on occasion and would always be with a group of my friends.
this was the first time it was just him and i alone.

lucy's place is about 2 hours away. so we just chatted about a bunch of random things.
it was actually kind of nice because i felt like i was actually comfortable being around him and didn't have to worry about being "gay."
he said he didn't get to watch the first half of the season finale of project runway and i told him i really like that show and that i got to see it.
we talked about who we thought would win and who we liked and didn't like.
(yeah, i watch it! my favorites throughout were christian and jillian, although, i'll admit i didn't care for christian too much in the begining. he grew on me.)
normally, i wouldn't talk about PR that because i don't think that many straight guys actually watch it unless it's for the "hot" model girls. lol.
anyways, in a way, i was hoping he would start getting a sense that maybe i might actually be gay, but i still had my guard up.

he had a bunch of mixed CDs to listen to. i was ejecting one of them and pushing the 'load' button.
then i said, "okay, go ahead, stick it in."
he laughed and said something like, "haha, you're dirty."
i laughed and just shrugged my shoulders.

we're both mutual friends with lisa and started talking about her "bi phase." he said that a lot of his friends seemed to be gay.
him: "it's not a bad thing, but it seems like now a lot of my friends are coming out. sometimes i wonder, who else is gay??"
when he said this, my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute.
was this a genuine question out of curiousity?
was this directed at me?
does he think i'm gay?
should i tell him?
am i really about to come out?
ahh!
uhh...
what do i say?
so after a few moments, which really seemed like minutes, i just replied,
"mmmm, i dunno."
then i think i asked who was singing the particular song on his CD to change the subject, lol.
i think i was being paranoid, and maybe he was really just curious and asking the question rhetorically.


cut to us arriving at lucy's.
nothing out of the ordinary. said hi. hung out. went to dinner.
this was friday.

saturday:
this was the night of the party.
we got up. went to lunch. went back to lucy's.
gabe suggested we all go to the mall, but lucy said she had to clean up a bit and said him and i should go.
so we did.
it was interesting i guess because this was the closest thing to me being out, in a way.
gabe is pretty flamboyant and wears girl's oversized sunglasses and carries a 'murse.' lol.
so it was just him and i walking through the mall together and i couldn't help but think the whole time,
"are people looking at us differently? do they think we could be a couple? do people think i'm gay?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...call me paranoid.

anyways, we went into a store and he wanted to try something on. so he starts heading to the fitting room, stops, turns around, and asks me to hold his man bag.
so there i am in the gap looking at clothes holding a man bag. lol!
i was just thinking, this is so not me!
when i do come out, i won't be a murse kind of guy. i wasn't sure how i should carry it. i didn't know if i should "wear" it or just hold it.
i decided to just hold it.
i was there looking at clothes near the fitting rooms waiting on him. he comes out and asks, "how does this look?"
there was a female gap employee there looking at us and i started thinking, "hmm, i wonder if she thinks we are together."
lol.
yeah, it was an interesting experience, but not in a bad way.


so yeah, i never did come out the whole trip. honestly, i didn't think i would.
honestly, i don't know under what circumstances i will come out. i know people say come out when you are ready, but for some reason, i never feel ready! hahaha. i wish my family or good friends would just ask me. it's so much easier to say, "yes, i am."
i've made a personal goal to at least tell one person on national coming out day if i'm not out to anyone by then. i'm just not sure who it's going to be. i felt comfortable talking to gabe on the way back home. when i dropped him off, we told each other that we need to hang out more since we live so close to each other. i think i would feel comfortable eventually telling him only because he knows what it's like. he's probably experienced everything i'm feeling.

i don't see him as boyfriend material. he's really not my type. but i do see him as being a good gay friend where we might go out or something, which is what i really want.
i want some gay friends!
i just don't know how to find any, lol.
so maybe if we start hanging out more, i'll meet some? i dunno.
haha.
sorry this was so long.