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okay, so remember the "dream entry?"
well, i finally heard from "girl 1."
(she's the one that dreamed i came out to our friend "girl 2.")

okay...so i'm going to start using "names."
girl 1 will now be known as lucy and girl 2 will be known as lisa.


so anyway, lucy finally texted me two days ago. and it seems that things aren't as akward as i thought they would be. we didn't even talk about the dream. we just started talking about random things as if the dream never happened.

however, she did invite me and lisa to her place next week. she said we'll hang out and make cookies. she got a new oven. lol.
(reminder: lucy is the one that goes to college a few hours away...and lisa is the one that lives near me.)

okay, so now i'm really contemplating whether or not i should come out to them when i go down there.
i still can't help it-everytime i think about telling someone i always start feeling scared.

i WANT to be ready. but i dont know if i AM ready. *sigh*

if i decide to come out, i'm not sure how i'll do it.
i'll probably just bring up the dream again and work it in.

the only problem is once i come out to somebody, i'll feel really guilty not telling my parents. i've always been pretty honest with them and always thought i'd tell them before anybody else.
i know i've been "lying" to them and my friends all along, but once someone knows, i'll feel like i'm really "lying" to parents.
all i want is for me to be completely open and honest and have them accept me for who i am--as their son who just happens to be gay.
...argh...why does this have to be so difficult.
okay, well, i need sleep.

good night.

will you let me know...

okay, it's probably because i'm extremely paranoid, but if there's anyone who comes across my blog and thinks they know who i am, will you let me know through person, phone, text, or email? ...please.

i mean, i doubt that anybody who knows me has come across this, but there's always that SLIGHT possibility.

anywho, with that said i just got a text from one of my friends saying,
"are you bi? rumors are circling around..."
what?!?!
okay, now if i were to even hint that i was not straight, he would tell everbody!
he can't keep secrets. besides i don't want to come out to him before girl 1 or girl 2.
i've known them for so much longer and would feel more comfortable telling them first.
i don't know how to answer his text.

he is actually girl 2's boyfriend. so i'm sure she told him about girl 1's dream (see yesterday) and that's why he is asking.
[sidenote: sorry i hadn't given my friends any "names"...i didn't think i'd keep refering to them so often. but girl 1 and girl 2 are from yesterday's entry."

so...i am just a little perturbed. *sigh*
he might even be asking in a joking way too. or maybe a little jokingly and a litle bit seriously. or maybe just seriously. it's always hard to tell the tone through a text.

oh, and just so you know, i hadn't talked to girl 1 at all about her dream since the day i saw her. i was too chicken to bring it back up. she also never texted me today.
but apparently, the dream story just won't go away. and now that i think about it, the boyfriend is probably going to tell some other people about the dream.
...ugh.

isn't it weird how i seem to be coming out to everyone without actually doing it?
it's weird how somebody's dream is potentially outing me!

to be honest, i didn't see myself coming out for a very long time.
what should i do?
i don't know if i'm ready for this!
...eeep!

oh...my...gosh...

guess what???
i came out!

...okay, well, it was in my friend's dream, so not really.
*sigh*
where do i begin?

i apologize in advance if this entry seems scattered and unorganized...i'm full of mixed emotions right now. i just got home and decided to blog about what just happened.

okay, so i've been meaning to write a blog about "coming out" and how there seems like no open opportunity to do so. there just never seems to be that "right time." i always thought if i wanted to come out, i'd have to bring up the subject myself. i was actually going to write about that yesterday.

however, today probably would have been that "right time."
so what's wrong with me?!

okay, so here's the story and a little background information for it to make sense.

i have these two really close girl friends. one lives near me and the other goes to college a few hours away.
i always felt that when i was ready to tell someone, that it would be one of them i tell first. i had actually been contemplating which one i'd tell first.

well, the one that lives a few hours away was in town today. the three of us were hanging out, as well with another guy friend (who happens to be gay-but doesn't really have anything to do with the story-well maybe...you'll see.)

we went to dinner and when we finished we began to walk out to the parking lot. the guy friend went to the restroom. so it was the three of us walking outside and then i heard them whispering something to each other..and then they were kinda giggling. i figured it was some inside joke and i didn't really think anything of it.
well, then i hear one of them say, "should i tell him about it?"
girl2:"noo...*giggle*"
girl1:"i'm embarassed..hahaha...well, it was a dream anyway, so it doesn't matter. i can tell him."
girl2:"....okay."

so at this point a million things are running through my head...to be honest, i thought she was going to say she had a sex dream about me.
so then she (girl1) says, "umm...so, in my dream...you told her(girl2) that you were gay, but you didn't want to tell me."

can i just say that i'm glad we were outside and that it was dark because i'm sure my face was turning red...and my heart started beating so fast. i had NO idea this was coming and i had NO idea how to respond!

me: "...oh...*nervous chuckle*..."
then she looked at me and said, "...don't worry, i don't think you're gay."

oh..my..gosh, what do i do?! part of me just wanted to come out right then and there, but it's not how i imagined it at all...and i wasn't even sure what to say. do i say, well, it's okay because i am? ahhh....i didn't know what to do...so i kinda just kept nervously laughing.

"are you mad? i'm sorry...but it was just in my dream."
me:"no, i'm not mad...don't worry about it."

i never denied that i was gay...i just told her not to worry about it. i really wanted to say something like, well, what would you say if i really was gay?
i think one of the things holding me back was knowing that our guy friend was going to be coming from the restroom any minute...so i didn't want to confess everything and be in the middle of coming out...and then he shows up. it would be really, really akward and uncomfortable for me.
so a minute later, and he was back from the restroom and he started talking about something, which changed the subject.
whew!

we began walking to the car and she came up to me apologized again saying, "sorry. it wasn't me that thought you were gay. i guess it was my subconscious."
well...her subconscious knows that i'm gay! i guess that means she has probably thought about me being gay at least a few times.

so then i thought the moment was over...but later we went to get coffee and it came up again!! ahhh!!
she started talking about something else that happened in the dream to the other girl and the guy friend had missed it, so was asking about it. they were like, "it's just a dream i had."
him:"a dream about what?"
the girls: *giggling*
then he asked me what it was. there was no way i was going to say it...so i just told her to repeat it. she did, and they kinda laughed at it..and i was just chuckling....and really trying a way to take the focus off of me and to a new subject. it's a good thing they couldn't hear my heart! it was racing so fast and i was so nervous.

i seriously think if it had just been me and her alone, i might have actually come out to her. and then told the other girl later or with her by my side for support. but i really didn't feel ready to come out for the first time to three people all at once.

after i dropped them off, that's ALL i could think about on my way home. i got a little teary eyed just thinking how i was so close to finally telling her.
i also started thinking if i should talk to her about it. i dunno. should i? should i bring it up again?
it wouldn't be in person because she leaves first thing tomorrow morning. i almost thought about texting her.
i'd say something to bring up the conversation/dream. i know texting isn't as personal as in person or even over the phone, but i'm scared! i'd probably even tell her that i'm embarassed for texting her and wished i had said something to her in person.

and i also don't know if i should come out to her if she brings it up again later? she's always texting me...so i have this feeling that she'll text me something tomorrow about the dream conversation. i wouldn't know what to say. should i tell her that her dream was right? or something like..."there was probably a reason for your dream. the truth is i am gay." ahhh, just thinking about it terrifies me. i seriously didn't see this coming.
in a way, i wish she would have just asked me, "are you gay?"
that seems so much easier because i could just say yes.
*sigh*
i'm sorry if this is really long...i'm so scattered brain right now that i'm not even sure if any of this makes sense right now. i'm actually getting teary eyed just thinking about all of this. i'm a little overwhelmed and seriously very tired. i'm going to bed...hopefully i'll fall asleep and won't let these thoughts keep me up.
*sigh*
good night.