big big news!

where do i begin??

okay, so today i just got back from visiting lucy (who lives about two hours away).
lisa and i went to visit her since she hasn't been down to visit us in a while.
we left on a wednesday afternoon.
lucy and lisa were the people i've been wanting to come out to for such a long time.
it did cross my mind that i might come out some time during this three day trip.

when we arrived on wednesday, we all went out to eat. we had such a good time. in my head, i kept thinking if i should come out to them during this trip or not. when we got back to lucy's place, we all were sitting around the tv watching a movie. while the movie was playing, i think i kinda talked myself out of coming out during this trip. i figured i should stop worrying about something that wasn't going to happen...or so i thought.

well, the next day we were all supposed to go out to a bar or club and drink. however, lisa was short on cash and suggested we go to a liquor store and buy some alcohol and just take it back to lucy's place and play drinking games and whatnot.

sidenote: i'm not much of a drinker. usually i drink socially when i'm around friends or at a restaurant. the few times that i do drink, the alcohol hits me really, really fast. i'm such a lightweight...hahaha! but yeah, i'm usually a really giggly drunk.

after buying the alcohol, we head back to lucy's place. we begin the night with a toast of cheap champagne. two margaritas later, i'm really feeling the alcohol hit me. instead of playing games, we're drinking and watching tv and talking.
lisa made another drink and we all did a few shots. so by this time, as you can imagine, i hardly remember what was happening. although, i vaguely remember that the conversation turned to girls. it's because by this time lisa was on the internet showing us what kind of girls she thinks are hot.
(in case you didn't know/forgot, lisa is bi)
so she shows me the girl on the laptop screen for my opinion. i'm not sure if i said anything or just agreed. then they started asking me my type of girl. this is all really foggy in my memory, but i think they were asking if i like big boobs or small boobs, a big butt or small butt.
the next thing i know is that i just start crying! i didn't even realize it at first. i actually think i startled the both of them because it may have seemed like the tears came out of nowhere.
they came next to me and asked what's wrong. i think i denied anything was wrong, but obviously that wasn't going to fool them. i was in tears afterall!

the next thing i remeber is asking if we can all go to lucy's bedroom so we can talk. they helped me up and to her room. we were all on the bed. i couldn't stop crying and they continued asking me what's wrong. i figured this was going to be the time.
there was no turning back now. i had to tell them.
i started trying to talk, but i just could not do it!!!
finally, i managed to talk and say, "there's something that i've been wanting to tell you for such a long time, but i never could."
then i started crying some more.
while sobbing, i said, "i just can't do it. i think y'all know what i'm trying to say. will you just ask me?"
i heard lucy's voice, "you don't want to say it? you want me to ask you?"
i nodded with my face pressed against the pillow as i continued to cry.
she resumed, "okay...[mr. x] are you gay?"
i nodded again with my face still in the pillow.

their reaction was so great.
i'm not sure who said what, but some of the things they said were:
"you're still the same person you always were."
"we love you so much."
"you're still our friend and nothing's going to change that."
"you have nothing to worry about."
then i remember telling them how much i love them and giving them soo many hugs.
lisa grabbed my hand and started asking me if i felt so much better. she said she knows exactly how it feels.
she started telling me how she remembers being so scared the first time she admitted it to herself and then to the first person she told. it was so good having her there since she could really relate to what i was feeling.
i told them how i had always wanted to tell my family first and then my friends, but i don't think i could do it.
it was then that lisa told me, "it's so much harder to tell the people that you really care about."
that is so true, but so weird. of course i knew lisa and lucy would be so supportive, but it was just so hard to bring it up.

so that's my big news! i'm slowly opening that closet door!




well, later i'll post more of how the trip went after i came out.