furniture

after having lunch with my mom and sister, we were on our way home.
with all the traffic and construction going on, she passed the exit we needed to take on the freeway. this caused us to pass by a furniture store.
my mom's been wanting to buy a new dining table, so we decided to go in and take a look.

we ended up near the back of the store looking at one she liked. as we were discussing what we liked/didn't like about it, these two men walked up to look at the same table. i'm almost sure they were a couple. for some reason i got a little nervous, which i'm sure is because i'm stuck in the closet and totally paranoid!
i know it sounds ridiculous, but i was thinking, "can they tell i'm gay?...is their gaydar going off?"
lol.
actually, it makes me laugh now. the closet sure is making me kinda crazy. hahaha.

well, anyway, i think another reason i was nervous is because i wasn't sure if my mom would start acting differently.
i didn't know if she would react to them in anyway. i'm sure she noticed them, seeing as how we both looking at the same table, but i'm not sure if she realized they were a couple or not.
they finally moved on to the next area.
my mom didn't seem to react at all, which i think is a good thing.
this could also mean that she didn't realize they were a couple...but who knows?

i've never really been in a situation like this with either of my parents (other than television), so i'm not really sure how they react to people who are gay. when watching tv and a gay character comes on, they don't really react differently, which is also a good thing.
although, i must admit, i do become extremely paranoid.

"i'm straight!"

"I know for a fact that straight people don't have the frustration and don't have the need to blurt out "I am straight". "
-anonymous

"Also agree with the comment from Anonymous...why is it a big deal? Straight people don't have to proclaim they are straight, why should we?"
-b

these were comments left by fellow blog readers and i couldn't agree more!


after reading these comments, it made me think of a funny youtube video i had seen.

this particular video is performed by youtube star mathew lush aka gaygod.
i guess it could be considered a spoof on coming out as a gay son to straight parents.

he's gay in real life,
but here,
he's portraying a straight son with gay parents.
in the beginning, he pretends to be gay, but wants to "comes out" as being straight to his parents and worried what they may think.





i'm sure many of you may have already seen this since it's been posted for a few months already.
but for those of you who hadn't seen it, i thought i'd share it since it was kind of silly.

continued

this is the same guy from yesterday's video.
he posted this about three months after his first one.
in this video he talks about coming out to his mom and sister.

inspiration

i'm such a youtube fan. i'm always on youtube just watching random videos. i watch everything from music videos to funny commercials to cute animals doing funny things, lol.

well, anyway, i came across some coming out stories and found them to be inspirational.

it's weird how much i could relate to this one.
(except the drugs part. i don't do drugs.)
lol.

text

okay, so remember the "dream entry?"
well, i finally heard from "girl 1."
(she's the one that dreamed i came out to our friend "girl 2.")

okay...so i'm going to start using "names."
girl 1 will now be known as lucy and girl 2 will be known as lisa.


so anyway, lucy finally texted me two days ago. and it seems that things aren't as akward as i thought they would be. we didn't even talk about the dream. we just started talking about random things as if the dream never happened.

however, she did invite me and lisa to her place next week. she said we'll hang out and make cookies. she got a new oven. lol.
(reminder: lucy is the one that goes to college a few hours away...and lisa is the one that lives near me.)

okay, so now i'm really contemplating whether or not i should come out to them when i go down there.
i still can't help it-everytime i think about telling someone i always start feeling scared.

i WANT to be ready. but i dont know if i AM ready. *sigh*

if i decide to come out, i'm not sure how i'll do it.
i'll probably just bring up the dream again and work it in.

the only problem is once i come out to somebody, i'll feel really guilty not telling my parents. i've always been pretty honest with them and always thought i'd tell them before anybody else.
i know i've been "lying" to them and my friends all along, but once someone knows, i'll feel like i'm really "lying" to parents.
all i want is for me to be completely open and honest and have them accept me for who i am--as their son who just happens to be gay.
...argh...why does this have to be so difficult.
okay, well, i need sleep.

good night.

i'm gay!

sometimes i just want to blurt it out right then and there, "i'm gay!"
*sigh*

thanks guys

i just want to say thanks for the comments and advice from my last entry.
it's moments like these when i'm glad i finally decided to create this blog.

in a way, it's like i'm not going through this alone. it's great that i'm able to write down what i'm going through and get such positive feed back.

i have a question for "devil's advocate."
since you didn't have a link to a blog, i assume you don't have one.
out of curiousity, i was wondering what stage in life that you're going through?
are you closeted, in the process of coming out, or already out?
it actually sounds like you're out at least to a few people because your comment seems to be coming from experience.
i just want to say thanks again. don't feel the need to answer this if you choose not to.
it's totally up to you on what you feel comfortable commenting on.
it's really just out of my own curiousity as to who out there is reading this.


anyway, so for those of you wondering what i ended up doing i'll tell you.
i didn't do anything. lol. i don't know if it was the best thing to, but that's just what i did.
i didn't resond back to the text.
it's not unusual for me to not reply back anyway. there are plenty of times i get texts and don't always reply back. it's either because i'm busy or that i just simply forget to text back until it's too late.
let's just say that i "conveniently" forgot about it. *wink*
hahaha!
oh well, we'll just wait and see what happens.

will you let me know...

okay, it's probably because i'm extremely paranoid, but if there's anyone who comes across my blog and thinks they know who i am, will you let me know through person, phone, text, or email? ...please.

i mean, i doubt that anybody who knows me has come across this, but there's always that SLIGHT possibility.

anywho, with that said i just got a text from one of my friends saying,
"are you bi? rumors are circling around..."
what?!?!
okay, now if i were to even hint that i was not straight, he would tell everbody!
he can't keep secrets. besides i don't want to come out to him before girl 1 or girl 2.
i've known them for so much longer and would feel more comfortable telling them first.
i don't know how to answer his text.

he is actually girl 2's boyfriend. so i'm sure she told him about girl 1's dream (see yesterday) and that's why he is asking.
[sidenote: sorry i hadn't given my friends any "names"...i didn't think i'd keep refering to them so often. but girl 1 and girl 2 are from yesterday's entry."

so...i am just a little perturbed. *sigh*
he might even be asking in a joking way too. or maybe a little jokingly and a litle bit seriously. or maybe just seriously. it's always hard to tell the tone through a text.

oh, and just so you know, i hadn't talked to girl 1 at all about her dream since the day i saw her. i was too chicken to bring it back up. she also never texted me today.
but apparently, the dream story just won't go away. and now that i think about it, the boyfriend is probably going to tell some other people about the dream.
...ugh.

isn't it weird how i seem to be coming out to everyone without actually doing it?
it's weird how somebody's dream is potentially outing me!

to be honest, i didn't see myself coming out for a very long time.
what should i do?
i don't know if i'm ready for this!
...eeep!