the club continued...

i decided to look over the railing and find my group.
i stood there by myself looking down watching people dance.
...
holding the rail with both of my hands, i look down and finally spot my group dancing. i stand there for a bit when i see someone walk up near me through my peripheral vision. i don't look up, but look at their feet to see how close they are.
he's not too close to me...about four feet away. so i don't really think too much about it.

then slowly, he starts inching his way in my direction. i'm not sure what i should do.
should i make eye contact?
should i just leave?
should i scoot over?
i finally look up and he had been looking at me the whole time. nervously, i tighten my grip on the railing. as i watch him scoot in closer, he seems to be swaying.

is he drunk?

finally, he's only inches away and smiles at me. i didn't know what to do, so i smile back.
immediately afterwards, i asked myself why i smiled. i guess it's habit because i always smile at people.
but here, i'm sure it gives the wrong impression.

the next thing he did kind of shocked me. he leaned to my ear and said, "hi, my name's [?]. what's yours?"
and then he kissed my ear?

at this point it was obvious that he was totally drunk! he was slurring his words, and i didn't even really understand what he said his name was.
after my initial shock, i just was a little freaked out.
quickly and nervously, i said,
"..hey...um, my name's (x). uh...sorry, i was just looking for my friends...they're waiting for me, uh..we're about to leave. sorry, i gotta go."
then i just walked off.

i kinda felt bad because i probably came off as a huge jerk.
however, since he was drunk, i was probably was speaking too fast for him to understand and secondly, i doubt he would even remember this situation the next day.

so yeah, i went downstairs and met my friends. i didn't tell them about my little "adventure."
we danced a little more, then left.

p.s.: thanks to "anonymous" for the comment on the last comment. don't be a stranger! you're welcome to comment anytime. :)
that goes for everyone reading this. i like to know who's reading this and what they think. i think it's pretty cool how so many of us can relate to each other.
are there any other readers of my blog in the same situation i'm in? (still in the closet and wanting to come out) or maybe some of you are already out, i'd like to know how your "coming out" experience has been. or perhaps you just want to stop by and say hi. you know, whatever.
:)

the club

when my friends found out that i hadn't been clubbing before, they wanted to take me.
who knew my first clubbing experience would be at a gay club?

[fyi, this is a story from college1]

they told me they would take me clubbing, but it was going to be at a gay club. they asked if it that was alright. i told them i had no problem with it. i was a bit excited and curious, even though the whole club scene isn't really me.
they said that the gay club that we were going to was better than the other clubs in the area. they said some of the other (straight) clubs are good, but they've always had more fun at the gay club.

i'm trying to think who all went that night.
i think it was me, two straight guys, two gay guys, and two straight girls.
on the way down there, they were teasing me.
they were like, "whatever you do, stay with the group. if you wander off by yourself, someone might hit on you."
then one of the girls said, "don't worry, you can just pretend to be my boyfriend."

entering the club, i immediately heard the loud music and saw that it was dark with lots of flashing/rotating lights with some fog every now and then. let's just say that as we got to the dance floor, there was a lot of eye candy, but i didn't know how to act. here i am wanting to look, but i'm supposed to act like i don't enjoy seeing half-naked guys dancing. (not to mention, that i'm still pretty much in denial about myself at this time) so i just kept taking occasional glances as if i was just looking around since it was my first time there.

our little group of friends just started dancing together. i just remember thinking how cool it was too look around and just see everyone having a good time. there were guys dancing with girls, guys dancing with guys, and girls dancing with girls.

we ended up branching off with dance buddies. me and one of the girls, two guys and one girl, and the other two (gay) guys went upstairs to get some drinks. later, the guys came back down. one came up behind me, put his arms around me and started dancing.
everyone started laughing since i was "straight."
i just laughed too and
he said,
"sorry, i couldn't resist doing that to you. it probably made you really uncomfortable!"
obviously, it didn't.
but even if i was truly straight, i don't think i would have been uncomfortable since we were friends (although not the closest). he probably thought since i was straight that it would be weird for me.

anyway, let's cut to later in the night. we've been dancing/talking/just having a good time. we'll i end up having to pee.
i asked them where the restroom was, and they told me it was upstairs. one of the girls asked if i wanted her to go with me to act like a "girlfriend."
i laughed and said, "it's okay, i think i'll be alright."
so i left and headed up stairs. i did my business and came out of the restroom. upstairs, it's open so you you can look down at the dance floor. i decided to look over the railing and find my group.
i stood there by myself looking down watching people dance.
and guess what happened?

the twist

i didn't forget about blogging. it's just that i haven't had a whole lot of free time this weekend. i don't have a whole lot of time right now either because i have some other things that need to be done.

okay, so i was going to pick up where i left off.

so, i am at college 1.
i've made a few more friends, except this time i've become friends with a more equal amount of guys to girls.
i didn't really realize it at the time.
we all got a long really well.

so one night, a few of us decided to hang out. i'm not sure where we went. it was probably the movies.
so one of my guy friends picked me up (because i didn't have a car at the time) and we drove to the theater.
in the parking lot we saw one of our friends standing there next to a guy i hadn't met.

as we drove past them looking for a parking spot, my friend (in the car) says,
"oh, by the way...that's his boyfriend."
*a few seconds of silence*
"really??"
haha, i was really surprised.
i had no idea he was gay!

friends

alright...the votes are all tallied up and the topic for today is chosen.

lol, okay, so there was some sarcasm there. i only got one vote. but that made all the difference! i really wasn't expecting any votes.
so, i just want to give a thanks to aek (the masks we wear) for choosing the next topic!

topic for today's entry will be...
...my new friends.



some quick background info about my friends prior to college 1.

thinking back about previous friends, i've noticed that they were mostly girls.
i've always had more girl (space) friends than guy friends.

back in elementary, i remember one of my best friends was a guy, but he moved away. in fifth grade, i became best friends with these two girls. i had other guy and girl friends too, but those two were the ones i talked to and hung out with the most.
we'd sit together at lunch, we'd work on projects together, and we'd play four square together during recess.
sadly, they both moved away after elementarty school.



in middle school, i had guy and girl friends, but most of them happened to be girls.
this also carried over to high school. i think some of it had to do with me not being able to relate with them that much.
even some of the girls thought i was different, but in a good way. i remember someone telling me, 'you're not like other guys. you're really nice and much more mature than most of them.'
it's true.
i did feel different and did feel more mature than them. part of it probably had to do with me not "picking" on girls.

i mean, what do young adolescent boys usually do when they "like" that girl in class?
they tease her, or play with her hair, or do something that usually annoys them, lol. well, i never had those feelings toward girls, so i never picked on or teased anybody.

it's actually pretty funny when i find myself hanging out with a group of all girl friends. somehow they find themselves talking about boys and/or boyfriends and saying something like "ugh...boys are stupid!"
realizing what they just said, they look over at me, smile, and either say like "um...no offense!" or "uh, well, not you!"
then i smile back and we just start laughing.

well, after high school, i left to college 1.
that's where the 'twist' in my friends took place.

...and that's where i'll pick up next time.

hot and whatnot

after high school, i left to college 1.

new campus, new people, new surroundings, new everything!
thinking back, it could've been a new begining for me.

i didn't know anyone and nobody knew me. all of my friends from high school went to different colleges.
essentially, i could have started living my life openly right from the get-go.

there's just a tiny problem...
...i wasn't ready and i still hadn't come to fully accept it. it's this new place and i wanted to fit in and make some new friends. thinking about coming out in this new environment was probably the last thing on my mind.
besides, i was just waiting for the "phase" to pass already.

okay, now cut to me some weeks later. i made a few friends and i was adjusting to the new campus pretty well.

well, one day i went to the eating area/food court alone to get something to eat. i bought my food then went to go find a seat.
boy, did i pick a bad time to eat lunch. the place was packed. i couldn't find any emtpy tables. i walked around, glancing from table to table, hoping somebody would be getting up soon.
it didn't happen.

but, i did come across this round table where this girl happened to be eating and doing homework alone. all the other surrounding chairs were empty. it didn't look like she was saving them or expecting anybody to come sit with her.

"are these seats taken?"
"no."
"do you mind if i eat here, i couldn't find any empty tables."
"oh, not at all, go ahead, it's fine."

i would feel a little bit akward if i were to just sit there and begin eating, so i engaged in some small talk.
you know,
where are you from, what's your major, how do you like it, and so on.

she was really nice and we laughed a lot. she even asked me if i could help her with her homework. it was math. (yuck! lol.) i was able to help with some of it. she then finished her meal and packed up so she could head to class. she thanked me and then started writing down her number. i recirocated by giving her mine. i figured we could become friends and keep in touch.

but later i began to think she thought there was potential for being more than "just friends." she called me the next day and asked if i wanted to join her for lunch again.
i said sure and so we did.
i began thinking maybe we could be "more than just friends" as well. she was pretty and funny. i always figured i really never had many girlfriends because i never went looking for them. but here was this girl i just met. maybe there's room for a potential girlfriend. could my "phase" really be passing? see, i just hadn't met the right girl, right?

well, we had a few lunches together and talked on aim for about a week.
then i learned about her exboyfriend. apparently, they had just broken up before college because they were going to two different schools, which were really far apart. that's when i began to feel like she still had feelings for him. there was definately "emotional baggage."
i decided i really didn't want to be anything, but friends. we started talking less and less because midterms were coming up and we started studying more and whatnot. somehow we managed to stop talking to each other completely and i haven't heard from her since.
it's pretty good it worked out the way it did. i mean, she had her issues and i had mine. for some reason, i was still attracted to guys. i never really felt attracted to her, but i told myself i was because she was pretty.
i can tell when girls are pretty/attractive, but i have difficulty saying things like, "she's hot."

i feel weird saying girls are "hot."
i really don't see girls being "hot" the same way someone could describe a guy being "hot." there are a few exceptions though.
who you ask?
well, i'd say eva longoria is pretty "hot." lol.
okay, so i'm not even sure if all this talking about being "hot" and whatnot makes sense to anybody...but it seems to be making sense in my head right now, lol.




alrighty, so i want to make this blog somewhat interactive.
so for my next blog i want you to choose tomorrow's topic.

do you want to read about "my new friends" or "my girlfriend?"
i think both have potential to make interesting entries. we'll see how it goes.
okay, so which ever one gets the most votes by tmrw will be my topic.
to vote, just go the comment section and type which topic you want. i'm not expecting many voters. i mean, all it takes is one person, lol.
and if i dont get any comments, then i'll just go ahead and choose it myself.
:)

college

okay, so a quick condensed version of some background info.;

after high school, i went to a college which was pretty far from my home.
it is about a three hour plane ride, but driving there is soo much longer than that.
about two years later, i moved back home and transferred to a nearby college.
and this should bring you up-to-date as to where i'm at right now.
i'm currently living at home and going to the second college i just mentioned above.

okay, so hopefully that made sense and now you're caught up (at least somewhat).
now i can share my individual stories while attending the first college and/or the second (current) college,
which will now be referred to as college 1 and college 2.
okay, some stories to come later.