defining moment?

thinking back in my life, i don't really think i have that one "defining moment" of realizing i was gay.
i've read some stories where someone wakes up and just comes to that realization.

however, i think i have always known, but was more aware of it during high school.
ah, yes...high school.
high school for me wasn't a bad experience. i actually had a lot fun. i was active in a lot of extracurricular activities/clubs and it kept me busy. ...and that was pretty much my answer for me not really having a girlfriend.

but it's high school!
you know, where everyone has crushes, everyone is gossiping on who is a couple, and who like who(m?).
so whenever i got the question, "why don't you have a girlfriend?" or "are you crushing on anyone?" i would say,
"well, i've been pretty busy. there's school work and all the clubs i have to go to. if i were in a relationship, it probably wouldn't work out since i don't have a lot of free time. i'm not really looking for anything right now anyway."

during high school, i still rejected the fact that i might be gay mostly because i thought "it's just a phase."
there was this one gay guy that went to my high school who was extremely flamboyant and talked with a lisp. many people made fun of him. poor guy. :(
but this is what i thought being "gay" was about. it's what i had seen in the movies and sometimes in television.
well, that wasn't me at all! so i must not be gay, right?
i was just like all the other guys, so why didn't i see girls the way they did?

i really felt akward (and still do!!) when guys are ogling girls and are like "what do you think of her?" or "she hot, huh?"
i usually agree then try to work the conversation back to what we were talking about or i change the subject.

it wasn't until senior year that i thought i actually "liked" a girl.
she went to another high school, but i knew her through one of the clubs i was in.
it was around the time of homecoming and i wasn't even the one to approach her. someone told me that she thought i was really cute and asked if i liked her. she was really pretty and i was still in denial about myself, so i said yeah. later that week, the same person told me that i should ask her to homecoming.
...and so i did.
we didnt "go out" before the dance, but we did a lot of talking over the phone.
then came the night of the homecoming dance. we went to dinner, then to the dance and had a fun time. the next week we went out to a movie. but things kind of fizzled after that. i didn't really "feel" anything towards her other than friendship. i'm sure she sensed it because she didn't call as much as she used to. then we sort of just stopped talking, except on few occasions. we just became friends. we never really officially "broke up" because we were never really officially dating.
she was the only "girlfriend" i had during high school.