oh...my...gosh...

guess what???
i came out!

...okay, well, it was in my friend's dream, so not really.
*sigh*
where do i begin?

i apologize in advance if this entry seems scattered and unorganized...i'm full of mixed emotions right now. i just got home and decided to blog about what just happened.

okay, so i've been meaning to write a blog about "coming out" and how there seems like no open opportunity to do so. there just never seems to be that "right time." i always thought if i wanted to come out, i'd have to bring up the subject myself. i was actually going to write about that yesterday.

however, today probably would have been that "right time."
so what's wrong with me?!

okay, so here's the story and a little background information for it to make sense.

i have these two really close girl friends. one lives near me and the other goes to college a few hours away.
i always felt that when i was ready to tell someone, that it would be one of them i tell first. i had actually been contemplating which one i'd tell first.

well, the one that lives a few hours away was in town today. the three of us were hanging out, as well with another guy friend (who happens to be gay-but doesn't really have anything to do with the story-well maybe...you'll see.)

we went to dinner and when we finished we began to walk out to the parking lot. the guy friend went to the restroom. so it was the three of us walking outside and then i heard them whispering something to each other..and then they were kinda giggling. i figured it was some inside joke and i didn't really think anything of it.
well, then i hear one of them say, "should i tell him about it?"
girl2:"noo...*giggle*"
girl1:"i'm embarassed..hahaha...well, it was a dream anyway, so it doesn't matter. i can tell him."
girl2:"....okay."

so at this point a million things are running through my head...to be honest, i thought she was going to say she had a sex dream about me.
so then she (girl1) says, "umm...so, in my dream...you told her(girl2) that you were gay, but you didn't want to tell me."

can i just say that i'm glad we were outside and that it was dark because i'm sure my face was turning red...and my heart started beating so fast. i had NO idea this was coming and i had NO idea how to respond!

me: "...oh...*nervous chuckle*..."
then she looked at me and said, "...don't worry, i don't think you're gay."

oh..my..gosh, what do i do?! part of me just wanted to come out right then and there, but it's not how i imagined it at all...and i wasn't even sure what to say. do i say, well, it's okay because i am? ahhh....i didn't know what to do...so i kinda just kept nervously laughing.

"are you mad? i'm sorry...but it was just in my dream."
me:"no, i'm not mad...don't worry about it."

i never denied that i was gay...i just told her not to worry about it. i really wanted to say something like, well, what would you say if i really was gay?
i think one of the things holding me back was knowing that our guy friend was going to be coming from the restroom any minute...so i didn't want to confess everything and be in the middle of coming out...and then he shows up. it would be really, really akward and uncomfortable for me.
so a minute later, and he was back from the restroom and he started talking about something, which changed the subject.
whew!

we began walking to the car and she came up to me apologized again saying, "sorry. it wasn't me that thought you were gay. i guess it was my subconscious."
well...her subconscious knows that i'm gay! i guess that means she has probably thought about me being gay at least a few times.

so then i thought the moment was over...but later we went to get coffee and it came up again!! ahhh!!
she started talking about something else that happened in the dream to the other girl and the guy friend had missed it, so was asking about it. they were like, "it's just a dream i had."
him:"a dream about what?"
the girls: *giggling*
then he asked me what it was. there was no way i was going to say it...so i just told her to repeat it. she did, and they kinda laughed at it..and i was just chuckling....and really trying a way to take the focus off of me and to a new subject. it's a good thing they couldn't hear my heart! it was racing so fast and i was so nervous.

i seriously think if it had just been me and her alone, i might have actually come out to her. and then told the other girl later or with her by my side for support. but i really didn't feel ready to come out for the first time to three people all at once.

after i dropped them off, that's ALL i could think about on my way home. i got a little teary eyed just thinking how i was so close to finally telling her.
i also started thinking if i should talk to her about it. i dunno. should i? should i bring it up again?
it wouldn't be in person because she leaves first thing tomorrow morning. i almost thought about texting her.
i'd say something to bring up the conversation/dream. i know texting isn't as personal as in person or even over the phone, but i'm scared! i'd probably even tell her that i'm embarassed for texting her and wished i had said something to her in person.

and i also don't know if i should come out to her if she brings it up again later? she's always texting me...so i have this feeling that she'll text me something tomorrow about the dream conversation. i wouldn't know what to say. should i tell her that her dream was right? or something like..."there was probably a reason for your dream. the truth is i am gay." ahhh, just thinking about it terrifies me. i seriously didn't see this coming.
in a way, i wish she would have just asked me, "are you gay?"
that seems so much easier because i could just say yes.
*sigh*
i'm sorry if this is really long...i'm so scattered brain right now that i'm not even sure if any of this makes sense right now. i'm actually getting teary eyed just thinking about all of this. i'm a little overwhelmed and seriously very tired. i'm going to bed...hopefully i'll fall asleep and won't let these thoughts keep me up.
*sigh*
good night.

funny scenarios...

sometimes i play funny scenarios in my head as to how i might come out to my parents...it's mostly just for fun. i really wouldn't play them out in real life. i think every now and then i'll post some as i make them up.
earlier today, this is the one i made up;

"mom...we need to talk..."
"okay, what's wrong?"
"um..i accidently got somebody pregnant..."
"WHAT?!?"
"...uh, just kidding. i just wanted to say, that i'm gay."
*looks at me confused*
"...oh...?"

yeah, so i figured if i give her something really shocking at first...telling her i'm gay wouldn't seem like such a big deal. she would have already used up all her energy with her initial reaction.
ha!

i used to do this with my dad when i was younger. if i wanted him to buy me something i would tell him the price was higher than it actually was...then later tell i'd him it was actually lower to make it not seem so expensive.

the gay guy?

the other day i was next to this guy who was talking on his cell phone.
it's not like i was listening on purpose, but i happened to catch part of his conversation.

apparently, he was talking about some new people he met.
...
"oh yeah, she was funny."
...
"..and who was that? was that the gay guy?"
...

the "gay guy?" that's one thing i keep thinking about.
i don't want to be known as the "gay guy" when i come out. i want to be known as me for me.
i don't really want to be the "gay friend" or "gay guy."
that's just one thing that i'm worried about. when i come out to my friends, i'm worried things might change.
i'm sure they might change a little bit, but i hope it's still pretty much the same.
but if they introduce me to somebody, i don't want to be known as so-and-so's "gay friend."
i guess i'm just worried about being labeled.

akward

a few days ago i was in the car with my mom. we were just talking.
when ever i'm with my parents i feel bad because it feels like i'm constantly lying to them by not letting them know who i am. well, that thought is always in the back of my mind, but i must have been thinking about it too much that day.

i began telling her what i was planning on doing later that day.
i wanted to say,
"later today, i want to go to walgreens to get...blah blah blah."

instead, i said,
"later togay...t-togay, togay..toDAY..um, i want to go to walgreens to get...blah blah blah."

talk about akward. as soon as i said "to-gay", i guess i got nervous and couldn't help but stutter.

it felt so akward. i just tried to keep talking and not make a big deal about it.
i don't think she thought anything of it...i think it's just part of my paranoia that made it such a big deal.
i mean, i only said "togay." it's not like i said "i'm gay." lol.
now that would have been akward...but then again, i'd finally be out!

the club continued...

i decided to look over the railing and find my group.
i stood there by myself looking down watching people dance.
...
holding the rail with both of my hands, i look down and finally spot my group dancing. i stand there for a bit when i see someone walk up near me through my peripheral vision. i don't look up, but look at their feet to see how close they are.
he's not too close to me...about four feet away. so i don't really think too much about it.

then slowly, he starts inching his way in my direction. i'm not sure what i should do.
should i make eye contact?
should i just leave?
should i scoot over?
i finally look up and he had been looking at me the whole time. nervously, i tighten my grip on the railing. as i watch him scoot in closer, he seems to be swaying.

is he drunk?

finally, he's only inches away and smiles at me. i didn't know what to do, so i smile back.
immediately afterwards, i asked myself why i smiled. i guess it's habit because i always smile at people.
but here, i'm sure it gives the wrong impression.

the next thing he did kind of shocked me. he leaned to my ear and said, "hi, my name's [?]. what's yours?"
and then he kissed my ear?

at this point it was obvious that he was totally drunk! he was slurring his words, and i didn't even really understand what he said his name was.
after my initial shock, i just was a little freaked out.
quickly and nervously, i said,
"..hey...um, my name's (x). uh...sorry, i was just looking for my friends...they're waiting for me, uh..we're about to leave. sorry, i gotta go."
then i just walked off.

i kinda felt bad because i probably came off as a huge jerk.
however, since he was drunk, i was probably was speaking too fast for him to understand and secondly, i doubt he would even remember this situation the next day.

so yeah, i went downstairs and met my friends. i didn't tell them about my little "adventure."
we danced a little more, then left.

p.s.: thanks to "anonymous" for the comment on the last comment. don't be a stranger! you're welcome to comment anytime. :)
that goes for everyone reading this. i like to know who's reading this and what they think. i think it's pretty cool how so many of us can relate to each other.
are there any other readers of my blog in the same situation i'm in? (still in the closet and wanting to come out) or maybe some of you are already out, i'd like to know how your "coming out" experience has been. or perhaps you just want to stop by and say hi. you know, whatever.
:)

the club

when my friends found out that i hadn't been clubbing before, they wanted to take me.
who knew my first clubbing experience would be at a gay club?

[fyi, this is a story from college1]

they told me they would take me clubbing, but it was going to be at a gay club. they asked if it that was alright. i told them i had no problem with it. i was a bit excited and curious, even though the whole club scene isn't really me.
they said that the gay club that we were going to was better than the other clubs in the area. they said some of the other (straight) clubs are good, but they've always had more fun at the gay club.

i'm trying to think who all went that night.
i think it was me, two straight guys, two gay guys, and two straight girls.
on the way down there, they were teasing me.
they were like, "whatever you do, stay with the group. if you wander off by yourself, someone might hit on you."
then one of the girls said, "don't worry, you can just pretend to be my boyfriend."

entering the club, i immediately heard the loud music and saw that it was dark with lots of flashing/rotating lights with some fog every now and then. let's just say that as we got to the dance floor, there was a lot of eye candy, but i didn't know how to act. here i am wanting to look, but i'm supposed to act like i don't enjoy seeing half-naked guys dancing. (not to mention, that i'm still pretty much in denial about myself at this time) so i just kept taking occasional glances as if i was just looking around since it was my first time there.

our little group of friends just started dancing together. i just remember thinking how cool it was too look around and just see everyone having a good time. there were guys dancing with girls, guys dancing with guys, and girls dancing with girls.

we ended up branching off with dance buddies. me and one of the girls, two guys and one girl, and the other two (gay) guys went upstairs to get some drinks. later, the guys came back down. one came up behind me, put his arms around me and started dancing.
everyone started laughing since i was "straight."
i just laughed too and
he said,
"sorry, i couldn't resist doing that to you. it probably made you really uncomfortable!"
obviously, it didn't.
but even if i was truly straight, i don't think i would have been uncomfortable since we were friends (although not the closest). he probably thought since i was straight that it would be weird for me.

anyway, let's cut to later in the night. we've been dancing/talking/just having a good time. we'll i end up having to pee.
i asked them where the restroom was, and they told me it was upstairs. one of the girls asked if i wanted her to go with me to act like a "girlfriend."
i laughed and said, "it's okay, i think i'll be alright."
so i left and headed up stairs. i did my business and came out of the restroom. upstairs, it's open so you you can look down at the dance floor. i decided to look over the railing and find my group.
i stood there by myself looking down watching people dance.
and guess what happened?

the twist

i didn't forget about blogging. it's just that i haven't had a whole lot of free time this weekend. i don't have a whole lot of time right now either because i have some other things that need to be done.

okay, so i was going to pick up where i left off.

so, i am at college 1.
i've made a few more friends, except this time i've become friends with a more equal amount of guys to girls.
i didn't really realize it at the time.
we all got a long really well.

so one night, a few of us decided to hang out. i'm not sure where we went. it was probably the movies.
so one of my guy friends picked me up (because i didn't have a car at the time) and we drove to the theater.
in the parking lot we saw one of our friends standing there next to a guy i hadn't met.

as we drove past them looking for a parking spot, my friend (in the car) says,
"oh, by the way...that's his boyfriend."
*a few seconds of silence*
"really??"
haha, i was really surprised.
i had no idea he was gay!

friends

alright...the votes are all tallied up and the topic for today is chosen.

lol, okay, so there was some sarcasm there. i only got one vote. but that made all the difference! i really wasn't expecting any votes.
so, i just want to give a thanks to aek (the masks we wear) for choosing the next topic!

topic for today's entry will be...
...my new friends.



some quick background info about my friends prior to college 1.

thinking back about previous friends, i've noticed that they were mostly girls.
i've always had more girl (space) friends than guy friends.

back in elementary, i remember one of my best friends was a guy, but he moved away. in fifth grade, i became best friends with these two girls. i had other guy and girl friends too, but those two were the ones i talked to and hung out with the most.
we'd sit together at lunch, we'd work on projects together, and we'd play four square together during recess.
sadly, they both moved away after elementarty school.



in middle school, i had guy and girl friends, but most of them happened to be girls.
this also carried over to high school. i think some of it had to do with me not being able to relate with them that much.
even some of the girls thought i was different, but in a good way. i remember someone telling me, 'you're not like other guys. you're really nice and much more mature than most of them.'
it's true.
i did feel different and did feel more mature than them. part of it probably had to do with me not "picking" on girls.

i mean, what do young adolescent boys usually do when they "like" that girl in class?
they tease her, or play with her hair, or do something that usually annoys them, lol. well, i never had those feelings toward girls, so i never picked on or teased anybody.

it's actually pretty funny when i find myself hanging out with a group of all girl friends. somehow they find themselves talking about boys and/or boyfriends and saying something like "ugh...boys are stupid!"
realizing what they just said, they look over at me, smile, and either say like "um...no offense!" or "uh, well, not you!"
then i smile back and we just start laughing.

well, after high school, i left to college 1.
that's where the 'twist' in my friends took place.

...and that's where i'll pick up next time.

hot and whatnot

after high school, i left to college 1.

new campus, new people, new surroundings, new everything!
thinking back, it could've been a new begining for me.

i didn't know anyone and nobody knew me. all of my friends from high school went to different colleges.
essentially, i could have started living my life openly right from the get-go.

there's just a tiny problem...
...i wasn't ready and i still hadn't come to fully accept it. it's this new place and i wanted to fit in and make some new friends. thinking about coming out in this new environment was probably the last thing on my mind.
besides, i was just waiting for the "phase" to pass already.

okay, now cut to me some weeks later. i made a few friends and i was adjusting to the new campus pretty well.

well, one day i went to the eating area/food court alone to get something to eat. i bought my food then went to go find a seat.
boy, did i pick a bad time to eat lunch. the place was packed. i couldn't find any emtpy tables. i walked around, glancing from table to table, hoping somebody would be getting up soon.
it didn't happen.

but, i did come across this round table where this girl happened to be eating and doing homework alone. all the other surrounding chairs were empty. it didn't look like she was saving them or expecting anybody to come sit with her.

"are these seats taken?"
"no."
"do you mind if i eat here, i couldn't find any empty tables."
"oh, not at all, go ahead, it's fine."

i would feel a little bit akward if i were to just sit there and begin eating, so i engaged in some small talk.
you know,
where are you from, what's your major, how do you like it, and so on.

she was really nice and we laughed a lot. she even asked me if i could help her with her homework. it was math. (yuck! lol.) i was able to help with some of it. she then finished her meal and packed up so she could head to class. she thanked me and then started writing down her number. i recirocated by giving her mine. i figured we could become friends and keep in touch.

but later i began to think she thought there was potential for being more than "just friends." she called me the next day and asked if i wanted to join her for lunch again.
i said sure and so we did.
i began thinking maybe we could be "more than just friends" as well. she was pretty and funny. i always figured i really never had many girlfriends because i never went looking for them. but here was this girl i just met. maybe there's room for a potential girlfriend. could my "phase" really be passing? see, i just hadn't met the right girl, right?

well, we had a few lunches together and talked on aim for about a week.
then i learned about her exboyfriend. apparently, they had just broken up before college because they were going to two different schools, which were really far apart. that's when i began to feel like she still had feelings for him. there was definately "emotional baggage."
i decided i really didn't want to be anything, but friends. we started talking less and less because midterms were coming up and we started studying more and whatnot. somehow we managed to stop talking to each other completely and i haven't heard from her since.
it's pretty good it worked out the way it did. i mean, she had her issues and i had mine. for some reason, i was still attracted to guys. i never really felt attracted to her, but i told myself i was because she was pretty.
i can tell when girls are pretty/attractive, but i have difficulty saying things like, "she's hot."

i feel weird saying girls are "hot."
i really don't see girls being "hot" the same way someone could describe a guy being "hot." there are a few exceptions though.
who you ask?
well, i'd say eva longoria is pretty "hot." lol.
okay, so i'm not even sure if all this talking about being "hot" and whatnot makes sense to anybody...but it seems to be making sense in my head right now, lol.




alrighty, so i want to make this blog somewhat interactive.
so for my next blog i want you to choose tomorrow's topic.

do you want to read about "my new friends" or "my girlfriend?"
i think both have potential to make interesting entries. we'll see how it goes.
okay, so which ever one gets the most votes by tmrw will be my topic.
to vote, just go the comment section and type which topic you want. i'm not expecting many voters. i mean, all it takes is one person, lol.
and if i dont get any comments, then i'll just go ahead and choose it myself.
:)

thanks

can i just begin by saying how glad i am that i started this blog.
i'm able to write about things that i haven't told anybody! it actually feels kind of weird to type so freely and talk about these things.

i'm also surprised that i actually have readers (even if it's less than 5! lol).
and guess who was the very first person to leave me a comment?
it was matt from debriefing the boys! (check out his blog, it's on my link list)
he was actually one of the very first blogs that i ever started reading. i remember reading his blog before he came out. then came the entry when he told his parents. i was so happy for him.

this was when i was still somewhat in denial about myself, but found his blog so inspiring.
so because of him, i found other people with blogs dealing with the same situations i would find myself in.
it's comforting to know that i can relate to others and that i'm not the only one struggling with this.
if it wasn't for him and his blog, i probably wouldn't even have known about all the other bloggers and i surely wouldn't be writing in this blog right now. so thanks matt!

i'd also like to thank 'closeted' for your comment and words of encouragement! (his blog is also on my link list)
also, thanks to "anonymous" for your comment in the last post. just curious, do you have a blog of your own? if not, i hope you come back and let me know what's going on in your life, or if you just want to leave a random comment, or just want to stop by and say hey.

actually, this goes for anyone who happens to be reading this (whether you're blogger or non-blogger). i dont care if you just want to leave a comment saying "hi" or whatever.

update: just want to give another thanks to 'b' from 'figuring myself out' (also on my link list) for mentioning me in his blog. i hope any of y'all that stop by will let me know about your own blog. i look forward to reading about people who are/were in the same position i'm in. :)

college

okay, so a quick condensed version of some background info.;

after high school, i went to a college which was pretty far from my home.
it is about a three hour plane ride, but driving there is soo much longer than that.
about two years later, i moved back home and transferred to a nearby college.
and this should bring you up-to-date as to where i'm at right now.
i'm currently living at home and going to the second college i just mentioned above.

okay, so hopefully that made sense and now you're caught up (at least somewhat).
now i can share my individual stories while attending the first college and/or the second (current) college,
which will now be referred to as college 1 and college 2.
okay, some stories to come later.

defining moment?

thinking back in my life, i don't really think i have that one "defining moment" of realizing i was gay.
i've read some stories where someone wakes up and just comes to that realization.

however, i think i have always known, but was more aware of it during high school.
ah, yes...high school.
high school for me wasn't a bad experience. i actually had a lot fun. i was active in a lot of extracurricular activities/clubs and it kept me busy. ...and that was pretty much my answer for me not really having a girlfriend.

but it's high school!
you know, where everyone has crushes, everyone is gossiping on who is a couple, and who like who(m?).
so whenever i got the question, "why don't you have a girlfriend?" or "are you crushing on anyone?" i would say,
"well, i've been pretty busy. there's school work and all the clubs i have to go to. if i were in a relationship, it probably wouldn't work out since i don't have a lot of free time. i'm not really looking for anything right now anyway."

during high school, i still rejected the fact that i might be gay mostly because i thought "it's just a phase."
there was this one gay guy that went to my high school who was extremely flamboyant and talked with a lisp. many people made fun of him. poor guy. :(
but this is what i thought being "gay" was about. it's what i had seen in the movies and sometimes in television.
well, that wasn't me at all! so i must not be gay, right?
i was just like all the other guys, so why didn't i see girls the way they did?

i really felt akward (and still do!!) when guys are ogling girls and are like "what do you think of her?" or "she hot, huh?"
i usually agree then try to work the conversation back to what we were talking about or i change the subject.

it wasn't until senior year that i thought i actually "liked" a girl.
she went to another high school, but i knew her through one of the clubs i was in.
it was around the time of homecoming and i wasn't even the one to approach her. someone told me that she thought i was really cute and asked if i liked her. she was really pretty and i was still in denial about myself, so i said yeah. later that week, the same person told me that i should ask her to homecoming.
...and so i did.
we didnt "go out" before the dance, but we did a lot of talking over the phone.
then came the night of the homecoming dance. we went to dinner, then to the dance and had a fun time. the next week we went out to a movie. but things kind of fizzled after that. i didn't really "feel" anything towards her other than friendship. i'm sure she sensed it because she didn't call as much as she used to. then we sort of just stopped talking, except on few occasions. we just became friends. we never really officially "broke up" because we were never really officially dating.
she was the only "girlfriend" i had during high school.

about my blog

okay, so i'm not sure how often i'm going to write. it'll vary, i'm sure.
i'm thinking i'll blog about random everyday things as well as thoughts on coming out.
this whole "coming out" is terrifying to me. i don't know when i'll finally have the courage to tell someone, but dont expect that to happen anytime soon. i almost didn't have the guts to create this blog. lol.
so all i can say is, it'll happen when it happens.

okay, so i just want to explain a few things about my blog. i'm new to all this, so i'm learning as i go. as far as the title, i think it's pretty self-explanatory. i'm finally trying to "open the closet." i'm wanting to "come out," but i'm pretty scared. it's probably because i dont want things to change. i know i won't do much changing because i'll still be me no matter what. but it's the people around me that i'm worried about. i dont want to be perceived differently. (this could be a whole blog topic of its own, so i might come back and elaborate about this)

you'll also notice my name is "Mr. X."
anybody watch the simpsons?
well, there was this one episode when homer gets a new computer and creates a website of his own. he doesn't get many hits, so he writes gossip about the people of springfield. in order to remain anonymous, he calls himself Mr. X.

welcome

I feel my heart rate slightly increasing as i begin to type this.
I'm excited, yet aprehensive. i can't help but bite my bottom lip.
i'm taking that next step!
i'm finally blogging about my personal life, about that one thing that is constantly on my mind, about my big secret!
it's the secret that i have yet to tell anyone.
i've recently admitted it to myself just months ago. it's something that i've probably always known and i've said it several times in my head. however, i hadn't managed to say it out loud for my own ears to hear.

it was september 10th or 11th and i was driving alone in my car. the music was loud, but the thoughts whirling in my head were louder.
This is it, i thought to myself. i muted the radio. the thoughts in my head continued. i brought them to life by speaking out loud.

"why is this so hard? i'm scared, but i need to take this step! i need to admit this to myself! it's something that i can say to myself in my head, but why is it so difficult to say it aloud? i think it's because i'm confused, but maybe it's because i haven't allowed myself to accept it. Is it because once i say it, it will become reality? this is something i need to do..."
*deep breath*
"...(quietly) i'm gay.....I'M GAY!"
*silence!*
i said it!
*big sigh*
i felt relieved! i couldnt help but smile as i wiped my eyes, which had become slightly teary.

that was my first big step in this whole process, and now this blog is my second.
i've been reading a few other blogs dealing with these issues, and i find them comforting and inspiring. it lets me know that i'm not alone and the only one struggling with this.

i've decided to start blogging with the hope that it will be somewhat therapeutic to type my feelings/experiences and maybe even get help/advice/words of encouragement from others in my position.
i encourage those reading to start one of your own if you dont already have one. i've been reading other blogs for a long while before i finally decided i should make one of my own.
so for those of you who stumble across this, please, feel free to comment.