I feel my heart rate slightly increasing as i begin to type this.
I'm excited, yet aprehensive. i can't help but bite my bottom lip.
i'm taking that next step!
i'm finally blogging about my personal life, about that one thing that is constantly on my mind, about my big secret!
it's the secret that i have yet to tell anyone.
i've recently admitted it to myself just months ago. it's something that i've probably always known and i've said it several times in my head. however, i hadn't managed to say it out loud for my own ears to hear.
it was september 10th or 11th and i was driving alone in my car. the music was loud, but the thoughts whirling in my head were louder.
This is it, i thought to myself. i muted the radio. the thoughts in my head continued. i brought them to life by speaking out loud.
"why is this so hard? i'm scared, but i need to take this step! i need to admit this to myself! it's something that i can say to myself in my head, but why is it so difficult to say it aloud? i think it's because i'm confused, but maybe it's because i haven't allowed myself to accept it. Is it because once i say it, it will become reality? this is something i need to do..."
*deep breath*
"...(quietly) i'm gay.....I'M GAY!"
*silence!*
i said it!
*big sigh*
i felt relieved! i couldnt help but smile as i wiped my eyes, which had become slightly teary.
that was my first big step in this whole process, and now this blog is my second.
i've been reading a few other blogs dealing with these issues, and i find them comforting and inspiring. it lets me know that i'm not alone and the only one struggling with this.
i've decided to start blogging with the hope that it will be somewhat therapeutic to type my feelings/experiences and maybe even get help/advice/words of encouragement from others in my position.
i encourage those reading to start one of your own if you dont already have one. i've been reading other blogs for a long while before i finally decided i should make one of my own.
so for those of you who stumble across this, please, feel free to comment.
3 comments:
good luck blogging! i hope it's as helpful for you as it has been for me.
I know what you mean, took me a long time to be able to say it and it still feels VERY weird. Good luck with the blog and I can't wait to read more about you.
I was looking around various blogs and came across yours. This entry made me smile because at 16, I did the same thing you did.
It was the first time I'd said it out loud, driving alone at night. It has been nearly a decade, but I still remember the feeling.
Best wishes. :)
Post a Comment