our next president

lance bass is gay

anyone watch dancing with the stars?

i do...i wish i knew ballroom dancing. 

one of my high school friends had a huge 18th birthday party and she had chosen a few people to perform a group dance to two different routines. i was one of the people chosen and i got to learn a waltz and merengue routine.

anyway, the point of this entry is that my mom and i are avid watchers of the show. 

well, in the begining of this season, lance bass and his dance partner performed to katy perry's I Kissed A Girl. they ended the dance with lance giving his dance partner a big kiss on the lips. it was a surprise ending to the routine to which my mom asked, "isn't he married??"

LOL...umm...i'm not sure where my mom got this idea but i just replied with, "uh, no."

i was going to say "he's gay" but for some reason i couldn't. i'm not sure why...i guess part of it is because "he's gay" is so close to "i'm gay" and just saying "gay" is hard for me to do with my parents. another part of it is fearing her reaction if it was negative.

however, i think it would have been a great oppurtunity to see how she reacted to finding out someone who she thought was straight (and married) was actually gay.

update

so i guess you could say i've been on a hiatus from my blog. it wasn't intentional...i have just been busy busy busy and didn't have much time. i'm sure i've lost most of the very few readers that i had, but i'll still continue to write because i like having this "journal" to look back on.

so what are the significant updates in my life? here we go...

the week of august 11th, i took a 5 day trip to visit my friends from college 1 (where i first went to school before transferrring to where i am now). i hadn't seen them in two years! during the trip i wasn't really sure if i'd come out to anyone or not. well, to keep this entry short...i ended up coming out to one of them. he was actually becoming one of my best friends while i was there and he was gay himself.
it was my third day of being there that i came out to him. most of the time i was there, i was always with two or more of my friends at a time. on the fourth day, everybody else was busy in the morning except for him so the two of us went to the movies.
sitting in the theater 45 early, we began to chat. the conversation turned to relationships and he asked if i was seeing anybody. i told him i was single and in my head i thought this would be a good time to tell him about me.

"well, actually......there's something that i've been wanting to let you know about me...you might have already known or thought so, but...i'm gay."
"really? ...i thought you might be, but i wasn't too sure."
then he asked how long i knew and who else knew. i told him how i've always known on some level and those that i'm out to.
he told me he was happy that i could tell him. the whole thing went really well and was really relaxed. it wasn't a big deal at all!

the next big update happened thursday night of august 21st. lisa and i were supposed to go visit lucy (who is going to college about 1.5 to 2 hours away from us.) well, lisa couldn't go so it was just me. the plan was just to hang out with lucy and rick (her roommate who's also gay). we were gonna go out to a club that night, but instead we decided to just stay home and have a few drinks. it doesn't take much to get me tipsy and let's say we were all a little beyond tipsy..lol. well, lucy ended up falling asleep on the couch and rick went outside to smoke. i followed him outside to keep him company since i don't smoke myself. he was sitting on a chair on the outside porch and he was trying to show me something on the bricks. since i was sitting across from him i got up and moved to where he was to get a better look. because i had quite a bit to drink, i wasn't quite sure what i was looking for. i just remember giggling because i couldn't find it. (when i've been drinking i giggle a LOT)

well, i threw my head back because apparently i thought this was hilarious and i kinda stumble on his lap. oops...haha. well, needless to say, i sat there for a moment or two and the next thing i know we're making out! after a few minutes we went back inside because mosquitoes starting biting him. when we walked in, lucy had already left the couch and went to her room to sleep. the two of us went to his room and well....let's say things started heating up again.

the next day rick had to go to work and lucy and i slept in and later went to lunch. when we went back to her place, i went to wash my hands i couldn't help but notice i had a small hickey on my neck. she never brought it up so i wasn't sure if she noticed it or not. well, i packed up my stuff and drove back home.
later that night i got a text message: did rick have anyone over last night?
i replied: no, why?
she answered: then who attacked his neck??
oops! haha, apparently i wasn't the only one with a hickey.  she told me his hickeys were more visible than mine had been.
she said she knew it was me because she saw mine, but didn't know if she knew what she was seeing...and when she saw his neck, she knew for sure. 

...

oh blog, how i've missed you so!

it's been a while...

i first want to give a big thanks to the people who left encouraging comments to my last post!

sorry i haven't updated in a while. :(

not much has really happened since my last post. i said i would say how the trip after i came out went so here it goes (it's not much):
later that night lisa took me outside and we just chatted for a bit. basically she told me the same thing from inside.
she told me how she knows it's hard and that it sucks how society isn't fully accepting, but the times have changed where it is at least more accepting than it used to be.
she even confided in me with some very serious issues she's dealt with.

however, the next morning, things seemed somewhat back to normal. nobody every really mentioned my "coming out."
i suppose that it's a good thing as if it were to say "nothing's changed among us" and that i'm still the same person.
that was nice and all, but i would have like to talk about it more and stuff, but i guess it was my fault since i should have been the one to bring it up. they were probably waiting for my cue to let them know it was okay to talk about.

okay, so fast foward to a few weeks later.
lucy's roommate was there, but was doing homework the whole time in his room. let's call her roommate rick. he is gay.
so i was on facebook when he IMs me and admits he's been drinking and says he didn't want to bring it up, but he was curious as to why everyone was emotional and why i was crying that night.
he then says that he has his suspicions and that it's okay.
i had figured lucy told him everything when i left, but she hadn't. this made me how trusting our relationship is.
since i figured he already knew what was going on, he would have to know eventually since i'll be visiting lucy every now and then.
so i typed, "you're right. rick...i'm gay."
he replied, "you actually said it! i'm so proud of you."
that made me feel good. i asked him if he ever suspected that i was gay.
he claims that he knew all along, lol. i may be true though because he said he kept asking lucy if i was gay.
i asked, "what did she say??"
"she said she really didn't think so and that you would have come out to her already."
after he typed that, i realized how long ago i wished i had told her. but it's okay because she knows now.

big big news!

where do i begin??

okay, so today i just got back from visiting lucy (who lives about two hours away).
lisa and i went to visit her since she hasn't been down to visit us in a while.
we left on a wednesday afternoon.
lucy and lisa were the people i've been wanting to come out to for such a long time.
it did cross my mind that i might come out some time during this three day trip.

when we arrived on wednesday, we all went out to eat. we had such a good time. in my head, i kept thinking if i should come out to them during this trip or not. when we got back to lucy's place, we all were sitting around the tv watching a movie. while the movie was playing, i think i kinda talked myself out of coming out during this trip. i figured i should stop worrying about something that wasn't going to happen...or so i thought.

well, the next day we were all supposed to go out to a bar or club and drink. however, lisa was short on cash and suggested we go to a liquor store and buy some alcohol and just take it back to lucy's place and play drinking games and whatnot.

sidenote: i'm not much of a drinker. usually i drink socially when i'm around friends or at a restaurant. the few times that i do drink, the alcohol hits me really, really fast. i'm such a lightweight...hahaha! but yeah, i'm usually a really giggly drunk.

after buying the alcohol, we head back to lucy's place. we begin the night with a toast of cheap champagne. two margaritas later, i'm really feeling the alcohol hit me. instead of playing games, we're drinking and watching tv and talking.
lisa made another drink and we all did a few shots. so by this time, as you can imagine, i hardly remember what was happening. although, i vaguely remember that the conversation turned to girls. it's because by this time lisa was on the internet showing us what kind of girls she thinks are hot.
(in case you didn't know/forgot, lisa is bi)
so she shows me the girl on the laptop screen for my opinion. i'm not sure if i said anything or just agreed. then they started asking me my type of girl. this is all really foggy in my memory, but i think they were asking if i like big boobs or small boobs, a big butt or small butt.
the next thing i know is that i just start crying! i didn't even realize it at first. i actually think i startled the both of them because it may have seemed like the tears came out of nowhere.
they came next to me and asked what's wrong. i think i denied anything was wrong, but obviously that wasn't going to fool them. i was in tears afterall!

the next thing i remeber is asking if we can all go to lucy's bedroom so we can talk. they helped me up and to her room. we were all on the bed. i couldn't stop crying and they continued asking me what's wrong. i figured this was going to be the time.
there was no turning back now. i had to tell them.
i started trying to talk, but i just could not do it!!!
finally, i managed to talk and say, "there's something that i've been wanting to tell you for such a long time, but i never could."
then i started crying some more.
while sobbing, i said, "i just can't do it. i think y'all know what i'm trying to say. will you just ask me?"
i heard lucy's voice, "you don't want to say it? you want me to ask you?"
i nodded with my face pressed against the pillow as i continued to cry.
she resumed, "okay...[mr. x] are you gay?"
i nodded again with my face still in the pillow.

their reaction was so great.
i'm not sure who said what, but some of the things they said were:
"you're still the same person you always were."
"we love you so much."
"you're still our friend and nothing's going to change that."
"you have nothing to worry about."
then i remember telling them how much i love them and giving them soo many hugs.
lisa grabbed my hand and started asking me if i felt so much better. she said she knows exactly how it feels.
she started telling me how she remembers being so scared the first time she admitted it to herself and then to the first person she told. it was so good having her there since she could really relate to what i was feeling.
i told them how i had always wanted to tell my family first and then my friends, but i don't think i could do it.
it was then that lisa told me, "it's so much harder to tell the people that you really care about."
that is so true, but so weird. of course i knew lisa and lucy would be so supportive, but it was just so hard to bring it up.

so that's my big news! i'm slowly opening that closet door!




well, later i'll post more of how the trip went after i came out.

music

after wanting it for such a long time, i finally bought mika's CD- life in cartoon motion.
it's just a fun CD.
i've been listening to it all day today.

hermit

lately i've been feeling like a hermit crab. :(

boring...

sorry for the lack of updates lately.

nothing exciting has been going on. i'm taking summer school and still working.
i was hoping for some eye candy in my summer school class, but it's like 80% girls.
there's about 30 people in the class and i think there's only like 6 guys.
oh well.

touched

yesterday i booked an appointment to get my haircut.
i checked in and sat down.

at the place i go to, they have assistants that call your name and take you to the back to wash your hair. when they finish, they take you to the haircutter.

well, as i was waiting on the chair, i hear my named being called. it's being called from a guy.
every time i go, there have only been female assistants.
i get up and he shakes my hand and says hi and asks me to follow him. immediately, i can tell he is gay.
when we get to the sink, he asks me how i am. i make eye contact and tell him i'm doing alright.
i'm not sure, but he may have picked up a few vibes from me. he says, that's good and i smile.
he tells me to have a seat and he lowers my head into the sink.
at this point i didn't know if i should make conversation or not, but being the chicken i am i sat quietly as he turned on the water.
i didn't know what to do, so i just closed my eyes.

he wet my hair and then started lathering the shampoo. this was normal, but then he started massaging my head.
they've never done this before. it's always a quick shampoo (sometimes conditioner) then it's over.
but this guy started massaging around my temples and then lifted my head and was massaging my lower neck.
it felt soooo good!
then he rinsed my hair of all the shampoo and i thought that was going to be it since they don't always add conditioner. (weird, i know)
but then i hear him pumping conditioner out of a bottle and he puts it in my hair and really massages it in there again. he was rubbing my neck again and it just felt really good.
it just felt so good to be touched by a man.
i know it's pretty sad, but that's the most intimate i've been with a guy, LOL!

he rinsed it all out and towel dried my hair and told me to sit up and follow him so he could take me to the haircutter. he sat me down in the chair and i told him thank you.
he said "no problem" and then he left to go wash somebody else's hair.

shocked cont...

[continued from last entry...]


he felt bad and said, "i'm sorry. we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to! pretend i didn't say anything!"
i told him, "actually, no, i'm glad you brought this up. i've been wanting to talk to someone about it, but i just couldn't...i didn't know how."
at this point i had realized that i had just come out for the very first time.

he asked what i wanted to talk about. still stunned, i asked him about his coming out to his parents and how that went.
he told me that he isn't really that close to his family so he never told his dad.
but he told his mom when he was upset because he like this guy who went to our school.
he's been out since high school, which he said was rough at times.

as he was talking, he went off on a tangent and caught himself.
he asked if i wanted to go sit outside since we were finished with our meal and we could talk some more.
we did.

the two of us sat on a bench and he asked me, "so, do you think you are bi or gay?"
i replied by saying, "gay."

i have yet to say "i'm gay" which i think are going to be two of the hardest words to say to someone.

then we started talking about who we thought was hot or cute during high school.
i have to admit, that was a lot of fun!
for the first time in twenty-two years i was actually able to talk about guys!

we sat talking for a couple of hours. it was great. i told him to let me know when he goes out to a gay club/bar and maybe i'll go along too. i hope i'll be able to make more gay friends.

honestly, i'm still in shocked that i've come out to him. i seriously didn't think i would be coming out to anyone for several months from now. the only thing that is disappointing is that i haven't talked to him since that night.
i've just now realized it's been a week since i've come out to him. it was last thursday night. it's my one week-aversary! lol.
like i've mentioned before, we were never really close, close friends, but hopefully that will change and we'll start talking a lot more.

the next person i hope to tell is lisa.
i don't know when or how that is going to happen. i hope it's sometime soon.
i'm ready to stop "hiding" from my friends and family.

shocked!

okay, so this post has been WAY over due. i really wanted to update this the night it happened, but i didn't have the time.
so here it goes:

it was lucy's 21st birthday last thursday so i was going to go visit.
i wanted stay the night since she was going to have a party and then i would just come back home friday. she lives a few hours away. i was hoping lisa could go with me, but she couldn't.
it turns out a bunch of people i know were NOT able to go.
it was going to be all her "new" college friends that i've only met a few times. i didn't want to feel uncomfortable since i wasn't going to know anybody except her.
i told her that i would just go down there friday for lunch and drinks and it would be on me.
i also told her that we could go out and celebrate with all our "old" friends next time she comes home.

since i was only going down there for lunch, i wanted to see if anyone wanted to come with me. lisa couldn't, so i called up gabe.
i hadn't talked to him since our last trip to lucy's. he said he couldn't go either because he had to work.
before ending the conversation, i told him that we should hang out some time since it's been a while. then he was like, "well, i'm not busy tonight. you want to go to dinner? "
"sure!"
then he told me to call lisa and see if she could go and he would call another friend of ours.
so i figured it would be the four of us.

i called lisa and she couldn't go. she had a major paper due the next day. gabe called me back and said our other friend never answered. so it was just going to be the two of us.

we met each other at the restaurant and he said one of his friends from work was going to meet us.
i thought if it was the two of us, i might consider coming out. (the key word being "consider.") lol.
however, since his friend showed up, i completely took that thought out of my mind. his friend was nice. she just ate an appetizer since she was waiting on her boyfriend to call her for dinner later.

well, the boyfriend called her and she had to leave while gabe and i were finishing up our meal. she said bye and left.
it was just gabe and i sitting across from each other. coming out was probably one of the last things on my mind until he brought up relationships.
relationships! that's one of the things i try to avoid in conversations.
he was talking about our friends' relationships and stuff, then he asks, "so what about you?"
i was like, "well, i've been pretty busy with work and school and haven't really been looking for one."
then he says, "hmmmm....so mr.x, do we need to find you a girlfriend?"
i chuckle and then he proceeds with, "....or a..boyfriend?"

i can't describe how i felt. i looked at him and kind of smiled and my body felt all tingly and i tried to say something, but didn't know what to say! i got all choked up and nearly cried, but didn't.


[to be continued...]

OUT?

oh... my... gosh!!!

i just got home and i need to wake up super early tomorrow.
i'll write a blog entry hopefully soon when i have more time!

argh...

this whole "being in the closet" thing is becoming really depressing,
especially when i see people younger than me in relationships.
i wish i had a boyfriend.
*sigh*

akward moments

opening the fridge, i pull out my sandwich and water and sit down at a table in the company break room.
three other women scattered about the room are eating lunches of their own.
the television is on, but no one is focused on it. the news is merely noise in the background.
the air is warm and stale. the air conditioner must be broken.
reaching into my pocket, i pull out my cell phone and set it on the table to keep the time.

suddenly, the door flings open and hits the wall. the loud sound causes me to jump in my seat.
i turn around to see who it is. it's one of the managers.
she walks in with a friendly smile.
"hi, how are y'all?"
her loud presence presence changes the energy in the room.
nobody answers directly, but instead, we give her a nod or a smile.

her loud footsteps travel to the shelf where she picks up her can of peanuts. she sets them on a table and sits down.
"so what's everybody watching?"
one of the ladies says, "nothing...you can change it if you want."
the once ignored t.v. becomes the center of attention.
she doesn't change it. it's the end of a pet food commercial.

the news comes back on. the news anchor is introducing a reporter on location at some sporting event, but the subject of it is about cheerleaders. apparently they are having some sort of upcoming cheerleading tryouts.

the camera man zooms onto two girls cheering as they kick their legs up and down.
being the only guy, i begin to feel akward because i'm expected to be oogling these sparsely dressed girls.
obviously, it does nothing for me. i pick up my phone and pretend i received a text.
i don't want to stare making it seem like i'm interested, but i don't want to totally ignore it.
the camera is still on these girls, but now they've zoomed in on their moving hips.

i hear my manager's loud sarcastic voice, "i guess that's all you have to do to be a cheerleader!"
after hearing her, i look up at the screen because i'm curious as to what they're doing now.
as i look up, i feel all the women looking at me.

now i feel more akward because they are probably thinking, "typical boy. just eyeing those girls."
even if it's not true, it's what i'm thinking.
i feel my face heating up.
it sure is warm in here.
the quiet room is once more interupted by my manager, "look! mr. x's face is all red! hahaha."
oh geez.

out!

guess what happened today?!
it was totally unexpected and just kind of happened!

i'll give you a minute to guess.

go on, guess!

give up?
huh, do ya, do ya??
you've probably guessed it by now, right??
are you saying to your self,
mr. x is finally out??
well, i'd say you were right, but instead i'd
have to tell you: april's fools! haha. yeah...everything you just read did not happen.
actually today was very uneventful and i'm probably not even close to coming out any time soon.

bowling

i forgot how much fun bowling is.
i went last night with lisa and some of her friends.

before we met up with her friends, the two of us "practiced" using her wii.
haha.
that was my second time playing on a wii.

we played two hours of wii sports and two and a half hours of real bowling.
that probably explains why i woke up pretty sore.
lol.

i'd buy you a drink

standing there at my register, i'm approached by a guy and a girl.

in my head, i think to myself, 'they're probably a couple. boo! too bad he's not gay. he's cute.'

i tell them hello.
i ring up his two items, a package of socks and a tie.
as i'm doing this, they continue their conversation from earler.
guy: "so yeah, you should have flirted with the bartender. he would have definately given you free drinks."
girl: "*laughs* i guess i could have. that would have saved us some money.
next time we go out you'll have to flirt for your drinks and get them free!"
guy: "heh...yeah right. maybe if i went to a gay bar i'd be able to get away with that."

while putting his things into a bag, i felt myself smirk.

i wanted to say,
"that's for sure! i'd buy you a drink."
HAHAHA!!
yeah right, like that would ever happen. i'm way too shy for that!

instead, i gave him his change and receipt and said, "have a nice day."

ken lee

i found this featured on perez hilton's website and it cracks me up everytime i watch it.
seriously.

this is from bulgaria's show 'music idol.'
the contestant is singing mariah carey's song "without you."

thanks guys!

thanks so much for all the great bday comments! each one meant a lot to me.
y'all also gave me a lot of great advice.
it's times like these when i'm glad i have this blog and am able to get such positive feedback.

so last weekend i went to lucy's because she was having a party.
it was really small. just a few of her friends. lisa couldn't go because she was visiting her bf.
instead of carpooling with lisa, i carpooled with another friend of ours.
let's call him gabe.

gabe is openly gay. he's been a friend of mine since high school, but since high school, we never really hung out much.
when we would, it was always on occasion and would always be with a group of my friends.
this was the first time it was just him and i alone.

lucy's place is about 2 hours away. so we just chatted about a bunch of random things.
it was actually kind of nice because i felt like i was actually comfortable being around him and didn't have to worry about being "gay."
he said he didn't get to watch the first half of the season finale of project runway and i told him i really like that show and that i got to see it.
we talked about who we thought would win and who we liked and didn't like.
(yeah, i watch it! my favorites throughout were christian and jillian, although, i'll admit i didn't care for christian too much in the begining. he grew on me.)
normally, i wouldn't talk about PR that because i don't think that many straight guys actually watch it unless it's for the "hot" model girls. lol.
anyways, in a way, i was hoping he would start getting a sense that maybe i might actually be gay, but i still had my guard up.

he had a bunch of mixed CDs to listen to. i was ejecting one of them and pushing the 'load' button.
then i said, "okay, go ahead, stick it in."
he laughed and said something like, "haha, you're dirty."
i laughed and just shrugged my shoulders.

we're both mutual friends with lisa and started talking about her "bi phase." he said that a lot of his friends seemed to be gay.
him: "it's not a bad thing, but it seems like now a lot of my friends are coming out. sometimes i wonder, who else is gay??"
when he said this, my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute.
was this a genuine question out of curiousity?
was this directed at me?
does he think i'm gay?
should i tell him?
am i really about to come out?
ahh!
uhh...
what do i say?
so after a few moments, which really seemed like minutes, i just replied,
"mmmm, i dunno."
then i think i asked who was singing the particular song on his CD to change the subject, lol.
i think i was being paranoid, and maybe he was really just curious and asking the question rhetorically.


cut to us arriving at lucy's.
nothing out of the ordinary. said hi. hung out. went to dinner.
this was friday.

saturday:
this was the night of the party.
we got up. went to lunch. went back to lucy's.
gabe suggested we all go to the mall, but lucy said she had to clean up a bit and said him and i should go.
so we did.
it was interesting i guess because this was the closest thing to me being out, in a way.
gabe is pretty flamboyant and wears girl's oversized sunglasses and carries a 'murse.' lol.
so it was just him and i walking through the mall together and i couldn't help but think the whole time,
"are people looking at us differently? do they think we could be a couple? do people think i'm gay?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...call me paranoid.

anyways, we went into a store and he wanted to try something on. so he starts heading to the fitting room, stops, turns around, and asks me to hold his man bag.
so there i am in the gap looking at clothes holding a man bag. lol!
i was just thinking, this is so not me!
when i do come out, i won't be a murse kind of guy. i wasn't sure how i should carry it. i didn't know if i should "wear" it or just hold it.
i decided to just hold it.
i was there looking at clothes near the fitting rooms waiting on him. he comes out and asks, "how does this look?"
there was a female gap employee there looking at us and i started thinking, "hmm, i wonder if she thinks we are together."
lol.
yeah, it was an interesting experience, but not in a bad way.


so yeah, i never did come out the whole trip. honestly, i didn't think i would.
honestly, i don't know under what circumstances i will come out. i know people say come out when you are ready, but for some reason, i never feel ready! hahaha. i wish my family or good friends would just ask me. it's so much easier to say, "yes, i am."
i've made a personal goal to at least tell one person on national coming out day if i'm not out to anyone by then. i'm just not sure who it's going to be. i felt comfortable talking to gabe on the way back home. when i dropped him off, we told each other that we need to hang out more since we live so close to each other. i think i would feel comfortable eventually telling him only because he knows what it's like. he's probably experienced everything i'm feeling.

i don't see him as boyfriend material. he's really not my type. but i do see him as being a good gay friend where we might go out or something, which is what i really want.
i want some gay friends!
i just don't know how to find any, lol.
so maybe if we start hanging out more, i'll meet some? i dunno.
haha.
sorry this was so long.

happy birthday!

happy birthday to me!
:)

yup, it's my birthday today!
i've been telling myself that i want to come out around my birthday, but at the current moment i feel so far from coming out.

sometimes i have those days where i just want to yell and scream, "i'm gay!" and be done with it.
then there's days where i think i'll never come out and it makes me sad.
there is also all the feelings inbetween.
argh...only time will tell.

b-b-blog!

oh blog, how i've missed you so.

too bad, i have nothing interesting to talk about.

oh, actually, i guess i do.
it doesn't have to do with me, but it's about lisa and her boyfriend.
so since the last time i updated, i mentioned how they are back together.
well, her bf told me a few days ago that he is going to propose to her!
i hope everything goes okay. i wish them the best, we'll see how that goes.
he is supposedly asking her sometime next week and she has know idea.

in other news, my puppy now knows three tricks!
he can sit, lie down, and shake.
i'm so proud! :)
lol!

silence

lisa came over today to play with my new puppy.
we didn't do much talking at first. it was more of laughing and watching puppy play.
then i kind of brought up the situation about her and gina.
i asked how her weekend went.
her answers were short and vague.
"it was okay. there was drama."
she didn't elaborate. i didn't know if i should have asked more, but i didn't want to seem nosy.
then she mentioned how she was going to go see her bf.
me: "oh, so you and bf are back together?"
"..yeah."
[akward silence]
then she the subject got changed by laughing at puppy doing something funny.
it was pretty akward for me, so i'm sure it was akward for her.
it just didn't feel right to bring up anything else at that moment. *sigh*
i wanted to ask her if she still felt feelings to girls in general or if it was just gina in particular.

"break-up"

two weekends ago was lisa's birthday...her 21st birthday.
lol.
okay, a quick recap about lisa:
she's one of my best friends, she lives near me (she didn't move away for college),
and she came out to her boyfriend as bisexual-she didn't tell me and didn't know that her boyfriend told me.

okay, let's cut to her birthday night.
we went out to eat and things were obviously akward between her and her bf, but no one really knew why.
well, i knew because her bf told me more info.
she came out as bi, but she also said that she had a crush on her high school friend. this high school friend is gay and came out during high school. lisa told her bf that she had always had feelings towards her, but denied them.

this high school friend was there that night. lisa and bf decided to have a "break."
at the restaurant, nobody knew any of this. nobody knew she was bi curious or that her relationship was on a break.

well, after dinner, we go to a club. her bf rides with me. his excuse is that he is "giving me directions" to get there. she rides with other people.
well, in the car, he tell me that she knows i know. he told her he told me.

so we get to club, and of course, she becomes drunk-everyone's buying her drinks...she's 21! haha.
well, that's when the drama starts! man, oh man, talk about drama!

a group of us were sitting down talking over drinks when all of a suddden we see lisa dart towards the exit in tears.
lucy goes to see what's wrong.
i go look for her bf. he's silent, but in tears. he won't talk.
finally, he mangages to say, "i loved her. i loved her so much."
"what happened?"
"she's wants a relationship with 'high school crush' (let's call her gina). it's over."
he's obviously drunk making him that much more emotional.
"X, i was going to buy her a ring. she's the one i wanted to marry."
i put my arm around him and tried to comfort him, saying that they were both drunk. that they needed to talk the next morning when they were sober.

so by this time, everyone is wondering what is going on. about 45 mins later, lisa comes back in. i see her telling people in their ears (bc the music is so loud). i hear partial words from where i'm at. i hear her say "i'm a lesbian."
she never came and told me personally though. i felt kinda disappointed. i wish she would have told me herself. i know she didn't tell me because she figured i already knew since her "bf" already told me. but still, i wanted to hear it from her.

so that was the night she came out to her close friends. it was a pretty emotional-drama filled night.

cut to last weekend:
gina is going to school a few hours away. so lisa decided to go visit her for the weekend.
i found out through lucy that things didn't go too well btwn her and gina.
gina still lives with her ex-gf and they were kinda touchy feely still. this upset lisa big time.
as of now, lucy tells me that lisa since then, called up her ex bf and they did a lot of talking and now they are back together.
lucy tells me that she is confused and doesn't know if she is really happy being with her bf.

i feel so bad for her. i'm sure she is super confused. i want to talk to her about all of this, but she's never brought it up with me. i'm going to see her tmrw. she's actually coming to see my new puppy.
maybe i'll try to bring it up. i just want to tell her that she needs to do what she feels is right.
i have a feeling that she really is gay, but got back with her bf because she feels "safe" with him. i don't want his heart broken, but i want lisa to be happy.

if i bring it up tmrw,
i might even come out to her.
i want to come out to her because we now have so much in common-the confusion, the frustration, being scared, having been in denial for so long, etc.
*sigh*

busy

wow, it's been too long since my last post.
i have an entry that i have in mind for next time.

however, i've just been pretty busy now that the new school semester just started.
plus, i got a new puppy!
he's in his teething stage and man, oh man is he biting everything!

*speechless!!*

gosh, do i have BIG news!

i know what you're thinking....and no, i did not come out.

...but someone i know did, but not to me.


this morning i had three missed calls and one text.
they were from last night. i didn't hear them because my phone was on silent.
each call and text was from lisa's boyfriend. he didn't leave a voicemail, but his text said,
"[mr.x] call me when you can. i need to talk about some personal stuff. it's really important!"

this morning, i texted him back and told him to call me whenever he wanted.
a few minutes later he called me.

his voice was soft and emotional.

"hey, [mr. x]. um...how are you?"

"i'm fine, but how are you? what's wrong?"

"*big sigh* uh...it's lisa. her and i are having trouble in our relationship. i think this is the begining of the end of our relationship."

"why is that?"

"well...i trust you and you're a really good friend, so don't tell her i told you, but she came out as bi to me yesterday."

i was completely speechless!! one of my good friends who i have been wanting to tell that *i* was gay was going through the same struggle with herself!

he continued, "i just don't know what to do. she says she is wanting her space. i'm sure she's going to want to experiment with other girls. it hurts. we've been together for over a year and she is the first girl that i've ever fallen in love...like true love...like, i could see us being married."

it's true. this is the most serious i've seen him with a girl. he's had girlfriends before, but this relationship is the one that i've seen him actually fall in love.
i really wish i had more to tell him, but i was in shock!
everything she was telling him, i had experienced myself.
he said that she was crying so much and telling him that she had denied her feelings even though she knew since middle school.

i told him to give her some time because this is such a big event in her life. she's scared and confused.

i'm actually still in some shock as i write this only because i just got off the phone and haven't had a lot of time to really think about it.
i wonder what will happen. i really wish i could let her i know and let her know that i'm gay too.
or maybe i'll wait until she comes out to me--if she comes out to me.
would it be selfish to tell her i'm gay right after she tells me she's gay?
i guess it wouldn't because we could talk about both of our situations/experiences.

hmmm....

distractions?

i've mentioned that i work a part time job, but never where i work.
i'm still not going to say where i work, but i'll say what i do.
i'm a cashier.

being a cashier, you get to meet so many kinds of people.

well, one day this older guy comes to my register.

i tell him hello and ask how he's doing.
he says he's doing great.

then he asks, "there's a lot of pretty girls that come in, huh?"

i look at him and kind of smile and nod.

he smiles back and says, "you must get distracted, right? i mean, if i worked didn't work in an office, i'd have so many distractions looking at all the girls."

"i wouldn't know...i'm too busy looking at the guys," is what i wanted to say, hahahaha.
instead, i just smiled like i know what he's talking about and give a little shrug.
he goes on to say, "all i do is work in an office, i don't get to see much there. it's all the same people."

he was actually really nice and had great energy and a contagious smile. it turned out he was recently divorced and is a bachelor again. you could surely tell he was enjoying his "bachelorhood" and checking out all the ladies.

he seemed like a fun guy, it's just that he made me uncomfortable without knowing it.

i'm curious what i would have done if i was out though.
would i have done the same thing or would i actually have let him know i wasn't attracted to the girls?

part of me thinks, i wouldn't have said anything only because i didn't know him and he doesn't need to know my personal life.
hahaha.
i'm curious as to what any of you would have done in my place.
or for those that are out, have you had an experience like this
and if so, what did you do?

playboy

it was a long day at work. i was so tired so as soon as i got home, i went to my room.
there on my bed was the mail my mom set down for me.
i saw two things, but was not sure what they were.
i picked them up.
the first one was a bank statement.
when i saw the next one, i didn't know what to do!
it was a postcard type letter from playboy! HA!



uhh...

i was standing there holding this lettter with this skimpy-dressed girl on it.
it had my full name on it and it was a letter letting me know i could get a discount or some sort of special for getting a yearly subscription. ....what?!
where did they get my info from?!?!

okay, so i'll admit that i've had a couple of playboy magazines before, but they were given to me from a friend.
and let's just say i didn't use it the way he would have...if you know what i mean.
let's just say, it was much more of a reading material than a "picture" magazine, hahaha.

so, obviously, i'm not requesting for this stuff. i've never gotten a playboy advertisement before and i just found it pretty hilarious that i got one and my mom saw it and set it in my room.

but that's not it...

so a few minutes later, i go to the kitchen for some water and my mom asks,
"did you get your mail?"
"yeah."
then she jokingly says, "there was something there for you." (obviously talking about the playboy thing)
she goes on to say, "how did they get your name?"
to which i reply, "uh...i actually have no idea, i haven't submitted my name to anything..."

hahaha...man, if my mom had any inclination that i was gay, i'm sure this threw her for a loop and confused her.
this isn't what i would have wanted either.
part of me hopes that on some level she knows i'm gay so it won't be such a big shock when i do come out (whenever that may be, lol).

the closet

i was standing next to my mom as i was talking to her.
she was sitting down at her desk about to check her email on her laptop.
as the aol welcome page loaded, i ended my conversation and was looking at the aol "headlines."
she was reading them as they kept changing.
then i heard her say,
"are you afraid of the closet?"

...

i think i froze for a really long second!
only to be completely relieved when i heard,
"ways to organize it and keep things in their place."

whew!

of course, being the paranoid person that i am, i immediately thought it was going to be an article or something to do with
homosexuality and being in the "closet."
talk about potential akwardness!

hahahaha.

relationships

i'm not the kind of guy who wants to "hook up" with a guy.
i don't want to have a guy around only for the sex.
just because i'm gay, doesn't mean
all i want is a guy to have sex with.

what i want is a relationship.

i want to be happy.
i want to be with someone that i enjoy being around-
someone who makes me feel special, someone who makes me smile,
someone who makes me laugh.

i want somebody who i can be myself around-my sillyness, corniness,
randomness, and all.
i want someone to curl up next to and watch movies with late at night,
someone to hug and kiss every time i see him, someone to think about all the time.
does he exist?
where do i find him?

ha...i'm such a hopeless romantic.

2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR!